Hurt feelings between church members... advice?

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ryan
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Hurt feelings between church members... advice?

Post by ryan » Sun Jan 18, 2015 4:16 pm

I received a call from a church member (I'm currently an elder), with a "hypothetical" situation and question. As he went on, I realized wasn't hypothetical, but actual. His points were as follows:

1) There are perceived ill feelings between another party at the church, and his family. It has been there for some time, and they don't seem to understand why.
2) These perceived feelings are making it hard for the person contacting me, and his spouse, to worship in services.
3) They asked the pastor to act as a mediator for them, in meeting with this other party, to try to alleviate the matter.
4) The pastor reached out to the other party, who apparently expressed no interest in meeting.

The person asked me what should be the next step from here, and also if I thought trying to meet with them was what they should have done.

I replied that I thought a meeting to address the perceived issue was a good idea, though I probably wouldn't have involved the pastor right off the bat, and tried to meet with them directly. I told him to give me some time to think on the matter, and I'd get back with him instead of giving an off the cuff response for advice.

If the issue is legitimate, it seems to me that Matthew 5:23-24 definitely advocates going and meeting with a person to try to resolve the issue. I also go to Matthew 18, which, in confronting sin from another church member, advocates going alone and meeting with them, then taking another believer with you if that doesn't work, and finally then bringing it to the church as a last resort.

It seems to me like they took this matter in the wrong order. Now, the church (being the pastor and myself) both know about the matter, without them first trying to keep it private between the two involved parties, and resolving it quietly that way.

It does trouble me that the other party apparently expressed no interest in meeting over the matter when asked.

I'm really at a loss to what the wisest way is to proceed from here. Of course, I'll be talking with the pastor at some point soon, and we can mull it over together, but I thought I'd ask for wisdom from everyone here as well. Thanks for any input. I really just want to see unity in our body.

Thanks,
Ryan

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steve
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Re: Hurt feelings between church members... advice?

Post by steve » Sun Jan 18, 2015 6:19 pm

Hi Ryan,

If any party in the church knows that another party feels offended toward them, and it doesn't work itself out quickly by itself, then there is the need for a confrontation. Your counselee might have followed the wrong order, but he is plainly in the right to seek reconciliation with the (seemingly) hostile party. Since the pastor approached him, the hostile party now knows that your friend has an issue him, so he cannot simply ignore it and "prefer" not to work it out.

The church leadership is now aware of the situation, and should approach the non-cooperative party, requiring him to meet with the man who came to you. If he has a justified grievance, he should present it to your friend, and can have no objection to the meeting.

On the other hand, if he is guilty of unjustified malice, then that needs to be addressed as a sin on his part. If he does not agree to pursue reconciliation, then he becomes (or continues to be) a force for division in the church. He cannot just remain aloof when it is adversely affecting relationships in the church. If he refuses to cooperate, he should be required to leave the church until he has a change of heart.

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morbo3000
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Re: Hurt feelings between church members... advice?

Post by morbo3000 » Sun Jan 18, 2015 8:21 pm

Step one, I think would be for man-to-man sit down. The person who has noticed hostility from the other family should invite the other man to coffee. I can tell you that would be way easier for me than my wife and I sitting down with another couple.

On a personal note. When I was a pastor, I had at least two couples that didn't like me for one reason or another. They would go to the elders, and then the elders would bring it up to me in a meeting. In every instance, I told them that Matthew 18 says they should come to me, and not through the elders. These members wouldn't do that, and the elders didn't require it of them. This situation degenerated quickly and became very unhealthy for my entire family. Steve is right about how toxic this can make a congregation. And how toxic it can make a family.

When we became part of our new church, we were so blessed to hear them say emphatically "if you have a problem with anyone, or a pastor, or an elder, we will not hear a word of it until you go to that person yourself." There is safety as a member to know that the leadership in your church will not hear any gossip or slander.
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ryan
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Re: Hurt feelings between church members... advice?

Post by ryan » Mon Jan 19, 2015 8:26 am

Thank you very much for the input, guys. I really appreciate it. I wasn't able to speak with the pastor last night, as he ended up having to go visit a church member at the hospital suddenly, but I plan to. I've contacted the person who I spoke with and shared some of the things you've mentioned. Praying that cooler heads prevail, and Christ is glorified.

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willowtree
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Re: Hurt feelings between church members... advice?

Post by willowtree » Tue Jan 20, 2015 1:24 am

I have been thinking for some time now about this kind of a situation and the one Paul wrote the Philippians about, found in Philippians 4. My thinking is that what Paul says immediately following is in context with the problem he describes, and provides some pointers as to how to work through the situation.
This is a different take from what others have responded, and since I have not seen this developed anywhere else, will throw it out for better or for worse.
In verse 4, Paul appears to drop this subject and start another... "Rejoice in the Lord always..." I rather think he has set the stage to make some strong points that Euodia and Syntyche, both the hurting and hurt, should take note. In verses 4 - 9 Paul addresses three areas of relationship that need careful and prayerful attention.
1. vv4-5 In relation to God.

There is a direct connection with 'being of the same mind in the Lord' and 'rejoicing in the Lord'. It is difficult, if not impossible, for those who are at odds with fellow believers 'in the Lord' to be rejoicing 'in the Lord' at the same time.
Gentleness, to me, is the delicate balance between having a strong confidence that what we believe is true, and encouraging and reaching out with compassion and love to those who do not see things the way we see them. This is not an easy balance to find.
That the Lord is near should be one of the first signs that the toxic situation is beginning to change.

2. vv 6-7 In relation to the other believers.

I suspect that those who have issues, or grudges, do not spend as much time as they ought in laying their anxieties before the Lord - much less with thanksgiving. But when we do so, we can look forward to the powerful assurance of God's peace in our hearts (what we really want) and our minds (what we really think).

3. vv 8-9 In relation to our own personal disciplines.

Paul sets a high standard of filters in this list. I read them in pairs - we hear something that we determine is true, but do we express it nobly? Just because it is true does not mean that is good to repeat. And though it may be right, do we check our attitudes to express it with purity? And so on. Paul says more than just try it - he asks them (us) to practice it. And now, the Lord, who at the beginning was near, now walks beside us.

I really cannot imagine Euodia and Syntyche reaching the place they did if they had seriously applied these checks and correctives to their lives.

And I truly hope and pray that in your situation, the resolution of the issues will bring great blessing to all involved. I hope these thoughts will help you.

Regards, Graeme
If you find yourself between a rock and a hard place, always head for the rock. Ps 62..

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