Not a "People Person"

[Singalphile]

People Person:

• an outgoing, gregarious person with good communication skills.
• a person who likes interacting with others

Some people are shy. Some are just quiet and like the quiet. Some are a bit strange and know it. I'm a bit of all of that. Thus, I'd rather be alone most of the time. I know people who seem to like doing stuff all the time, going out, meeting new people, mingling. When they invite me, they might as well be asking if I want to go be water-boarded. Um ... no, thank you.

So, is something wrong with me and others like me, or is it just a different personality type? Does the Bible teach anything about this?

I have more thoughts, but I'd like to read yours first if you have any. Thank you!

(I'm not really sure if this it the best category for this.)

[steve]

Hi Singalphile,

I don't know where different temperaments come from—whether from nature, from nurture or from grace. Maybe a combination of two or more of these. It is not a sin to be inclined toward introversion or shyness. However, every temperament may disincline a person to certain moral or social obligations. I would expect an introvert not to go out as often as an extrovert, and cannot see how that, in itself, would be bad.

However, loving your neighbor may place certain obligations upon you that are outside your comfort zone. There is a lot to be said for learning to be flexible or versatile, both for your own growth and for the benefit of others. You will determine how much discomfort along these lines God is leading you to embrace. When you are with others, even if you'd rather be alone, it goes without saying that the loving thing to do is to conceal your discomfort as much as possible, so as not to add to the discomfort of others who are with you.

You asked for thoughts. Those would be mine.

[Paidion]

Thank you, Singalphile for being willing to share your thoughts and feelings concerning your relating to other people. I can identify with this to some extent.

My father was a subsistence farmer, and we lived in an unfinished house with no electricity or motors of any kind—no automobile. He did his farming with horse-drawn equipment, and our mode of travel to visit his parents or nearby friends was horses and wagon or, in winter, horses and sleigh.

As a child,I was extremely shy. if I heard a car coming up the side-road, I knew people were coming to our house, as no one else lived on the road. I would run upstairs and hide so that I wouldn't have to face the visitors. I remember my sister coming upstairs saying, "Come on down and meet the visitors, Donny!" and she would reach toward me to lead me down. I clung to a bedpost, saying, "No! No! No!" in great fear. Once at a meal, when people were present whom I did not know, I turned away from the table, turning my face to the wall. When asked later why I did that, I replied, "I don't like they faces."

As I grew older, I wasn't as fearful of strangers, but sometimes they asked me questions about myself—just trying to relate to me, and that really bothered me. I didn't want to tell them anything.

Although I got used to other children in an elementary school right to grade 10, whenever I faced a new situation, I was fearful. When I first attended a high school at age 18, I was again fearful during that first bus ride to school, and for a couple of days.

I began to relate a lot more to other people the year I attended Bible School at age 21. But even then I wasn't fully at ease.

I think one factor that influenced me to be shy was that the other family members behaved differently when visitors were present than they normally did. So I did not know how I was expected to conduct myself. Also, I felt that I was unaware of the ordinary things of life with which other people were familiar. And so I was afraid to ask questions about these ordinary things so as not to appear stupid and ignorant as I thought I was. As a child and as a teenager, I always felt intellectually inferior to the average person. It wasn't until I attended teacher's college at the age of 23, that I realized I might just possibly be intellectually superior to the average person.

To this day, when I am in a group of people, I have a hard time dealing with people who go around from one person to the next, shaking hands with everyone. I find it especially disturbing when some one shakes my hand with his head turned talking to someone else. In a large group of people, I usually find one or two people with whom I can talk and exchange thoughts about a subject in which they and I are both interested. My wife has a need to relate to other people more frequently than I. I often enjoy visiting with people, but with one family at a time. When I am in a larger group I am often sitting alone, because I don't have the social skills to reach out to people as others do. Yet sometimes, a few of them will strike up a conversation with me, and I enjoy it. I seldom initiate a conversation with others in a group setting.

[Roberto]

Is it possible that extroverts may be required to endure discomfort as well? Perhaps they find it hard to engage in private prayer or studying.
"However, loving your neighbor may place certain obligations upon you that are outside your comfort zone". Do you guys have some ideas on what would be outside an extravert's comfort zone? I have my ideas, so don't assume authority over me,

[Homer]

Paidion,

You wrote:

My father was a subsistence farmer, and we lived in an unfinished house with no electricity or motors of any kind—no automobile. He did his farming with horse-drawn equipment, and our mode of travel to visit his parents or nearby friends was horses and wagon or, in winter, horses and sleigh.

Same circumstances I was born into - until we left the Ozarks of Missouri and moved to California.

[Singalphile]

Thank you for all the good thoughts.

Steve wrote:
When you are with others, even if you'd rather be alone, it goes without saying that the loving thing to do is to conceal your discomfort as much as possible, so as not to add to the discomfort of others who are with you.

Yes. Introverted folks can come across as rude and/or arrogant. A shy person must learn to focus on the other persons comfort rather than his own discomfort, I think. Smile, at least.

Paidion wrote:
I think one factor that influenced me to be shy was that the other family members behaved differently when visitors were present than they normally did. So I did not know how I was expected to conduct myself.

Hmm ... I hadn't considered that. I want to think about that.

Your story sounds very interesting. I can relate to some of it (hiding from people ... still do, sometimes), but some of it seems the opposite of me. It's fascinating how unique everyone is.

I lack the social skill of "small talk". That's not even all due to shyness. I just have very little to say about so much. It's something to work on.

Roberto wrote:
Is it possible that extroverts may be required to endure discomfort as well? Do you guys have some ideas on what would be outside an extravert's comfort zone?

There are introverts and extroverts. I'm sure that all have their discomfort zones. Shyness is different, though. It is an irrational fear, like a fear of heights. I'm not sure that there's an opposite to it. I reckon that there will be introverts and extroverts for all eternity, but shyness will have an end, I think.

Relationships are obviously important, and the people-persons seem to have an advantage. But I have nothing against them. The more focus on them, the less on me. Bless them.

[Roberto]

Thank you for all the good thoughts.

Steve wrote:
When you are with others, even if you'd rather be alone, it goes without saying that the loving thing to do is to conceal your discomfort as much as possible, so as not to add to the discomfort of others who are with you.

Yes. Introverted folks can come across as rude and/or arrogant. A shy person must learn to focus on the other persons comfort rather than his own discomfort, I think. Smile, at least.

Paidion wrote:
I think one factor that influenced me to be shy was that the other family members behaved differently when visitors were present than they normally did. So I did not know how I was expected to conduct myself.

Hmm ... I hadn't considered that. I want to think about that.

Your story sounds very interesting. I can relate to some of it (hiding from people ... still do, sometimes), but some of it seems the opposite of me. It's fascinating how unique everyone is.

I lack the social skill of "small talk". That's not even all due to shyness. I just have very little to say about so much. It's something to work on.

Roberto wrote:
Is it possible that extroverts may be required to endure discomfort as well? Do you guys have some ideas on what would be outside an extravert's comfort zone?

There are introverts and extroverts. I'm sure that all have their discomfort zones. Shyness is different, though. It is an irrational fear, like a fear of heights. I'm not sure that there's an opposite to it. I reckon that there will be introverts and extroverts for all eternity, but shyness will have an end, I think.

Relationships are obviously important, and the people-persons seem to have an advantage. But I have nothing against them. The more focus on them, the less on me. Bless them.

I guess it depends what you mean by "advantage". I would imagine that many great artists and scientists, for example, have been introverts. Perhaps introverts can "dwell more deeply" on inner realities. Jesus spent each night alone, did He not? Perhaps He is the perfect balance!

I know that if I get a good amount of exercise, this introvert can seem rathe extroverted, so perhaps there are variables that haven't been considered

[steve7150]

I lack the social skill of "small talk". That's not even all due to shyness. I just have very little to say about so much. It's something to work on.










So do i but i learned that all you have to do is ask folks about themselves.their job,family,life,opinions etc and they will be very happy to fill up the time telling you all about themselves plus they will find you to be fascinating.

[Roberto]

I lack the social skill of "small talk". That's not even all due to shyness. I just have very little to say about so much. It's something to work on.










So do i but i learned that all you have to do is ask folks about themselves.their job,family,life,opinions etc and they will be very happy to fill up the time telling you all about themselves plus they will find you to be fascinating.

That's a good point, Steve, plus it seems Christlike to focus on the other person!

[Singalphile]

Roberto wrote:
I guess it depends what you mean by "advantage". I would imagine that many great artists and scientists, for example, have been introverts. Perhaps introverts can "dwell more deeply" on inner realities. Jesus spent each night alone, did He not? Perhaps He is the perfect balance!

I suppose you're right. Introverts have certain advantages, I suppose, but surely someone who generally likes being around people will have a better time forming relationships than someone who does not? Maybe not, though. Maybe the introvert tends to have deeper, stronger relations with a few people, whereas the extrovert tends to have shallow relationships with many people.

I also have to think that you're right about Jesus. He could be alone and he could spend time with close relationships (his disciples) and with lots of crowds and strangers. It sure would be interesting to know more about his personality. Someday.

Roberto wrote:
I know that if I get a good amount of exercise, this introvert can seem rathe extroverted, so perhaps there are variables that haven't been considered

Do you mean "physical exercise" or do you mean "practice"? I haven't tried exercising.