What Is Gossip?

[seer]

What is gossip biblically speaking? Is it spreading false rumors/ lies? Is it always wrong to talk about another person's faults when they are not present? Where is the line?

[steve]

Gossip always involves talking negatively about another person who is not present. However, there are times when talking about someone who is not present may not be gossip. There are several factors that can help to discern between gossip and legitimate loving dialogue:

The one rule for all speech and action is: As you would that men should do to you, do to them likewise (Matt.7:12). This doesn't mean what you would feel "comfortable" with men doing to you, but what you, as a person seeking to improve and glorify God, would want to be done to you, whether it makes you comfortable or not. For example, I am seldom comfortable when people tell me I am doing something wrong, but since it is my desire to do right, I do want people to correct me. Correction may not make me comfortable, but it is what I would desire to be done to me. Thus, it is consistent with the golden rule to correct me, whether I enjoy the experience or not.

When there is something negative about me that could be discussed, I would desire the following:

1. That those concerned about it would come to me about it before talking to others (Matt.18:15)

2. That those who talk about it would ask themselves whether their hearer is part of the problem needing to be solved, or part of the solution. If neither is the case, then one should ask, "Why is it necessary for me to bring this up?

3. That those who talk about my faults would always be guided by love. This requires their asking themselves whether they bear any grudge, jealousy, or other hostility toward me that may be the reason for their speaking, or speaking in a particular manner about my faults.

4. That, when hearing any report about me that may reflect negatively on me, they would ask the reporter, "Have you spoken with him about this? If not, then perhaps you should do so before I hear what you have to say. If you have, what did he say?"

5. This may not apply to things I have said or done publicly. In such cases, I have given up my right to privacy on that matter (but not my right to be charitably judged and spoken about).

6. Even in the latter case, if there is something ambiguous or confusing about my statements or actions, I would rather be approached and given a chance to clarify than to have someone who misunderstands place their own speculative construction on the act or words. I would wish for those seeing or hearing of any such ambiguous rumors to, tentatively, think of the most charitable explanation possible, until fuller information can be had to remove ambiguity.

Since I would wish for people to guide their speech about me by these rules, I must also guide my speech by them. Otherwise, I suspect, I am inviolation of the commands against gossip.

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My friend Danny Lehmann is an elder at Calvary Chapel, Honolulu, and a leader in Youth With A Mission. Back in the early seventies, I heard him give a talk about gossip in which he spoke of the need for Christians who hear gossip to “cut off the tale of the talebearer.” (You may be familiar with the King James terminology, especially in Proverbs, where a gossip is called a "talebearer").

This reminds me of three different cases in which Christians I have known or heard of handled gossips:

1. One was a minister who was approached by a member of the congregation as he was walking through the church parking lot, and the man began discussing another man in the church in a negative way. The pastor said, “This is serious! Let’s go and talk to him together right now and get this cleared up!” The talebearer declined to do so, and also stopped gossiping, for fear that he would be made thus accountable to the person that he was slandering.

2. Another case involved myself and a few Christian friends at a coffee house in Santa Cruz, in the early eighties. I didn’t remember the occurrence, but one of the men who was present later reminded me what transpired, and told me it had made an impression on him. There was a brother not present, names Steve Norman (whom I barely knew, but had talked to a few times). One of the men at the table began to tell us of a gripe he had against this absent brother. I interrupted him (I am told. I don’t remember it myself) and said “Just a moment. I consider Steve Norman to be a friend, and I don’t feel comfortable hearing gossip about him without his being here to hear it and to give his side.” This ended the discussion of Steve Norman at that table.

3. Since I was the hero in that last story, I will now tell one against myself. In the mid-seventies, I went with a group of Christian friends to hear a concert of the Christian rocker (coincidentally, another “Norman”). After the concert, we went to a home and were sitting around in the living room talking about this brother, who was a controversial character, and who struck many of us as being somewhat “worldly” in his manner and performance. After we had discussed our negative reactions to him for a while, one girl in the room, who had remained silent, spoke up and said, “Gee, I wonder how you guys talk about me when I am not here.” I was totally convicted and silenced.

These seem to be effective examples of how to “cut off the tale of the talebearer.”

[Paidion]

Thank you Steve. My thoughts about gossip and how to deal with the tale-bearer are much the same.

Here is an example of which I am aware concerning a case of "cutting off the tale of the talebearer":

A group of church women were chatting after their formal meeting had ended. One of them began to talk negatively about my mother (whose name was "Hazel"), and continued to do so for some time. Suddenly one of the other women spoke up, "Madge, Hazel is not here to defend herself!"

Madge immediately became silent.

[steve]

Good for her! The church needs more people with the backbone to stop the divisive gossip that the Lord hates. Too often people are afraid to speak up against it, lest (they fear) they may sound "holier-than-thou" (if they are the only person objecting to the gossip), or, worse yet, they really want to hear the dirt.

[seer]

Thanks Steve, that was very thorough and insight full - yet hardly practiced. I've noticed in my experience that when a Christian comes up to you and says "did you hear about (insert name here), bless his heart..." he is about to slam that person. Like the phrase "bless his heart" makes it OK to spew just about anything. And I assume that if you relate something positive about another person that is not present that that would not be bad. I generally don't cut off gossip as sharply as you do, I usually try respond by pointing to some good qualities of the person in question. Or by saying to the talebearer - "and you're perfect - right?" That usually ends it.

[steve]

I don't believe in pat answers to gossips. The examples I gave above worked well in the situations they were in. I am a believer in being led by the Holy Spirit. If we are, in every conversation, silently asking ourselves, "How would the Spirit of Jesus incline me to respond?' and asking Him for guidance, I think there might be any number of responses you might give to similar ends. The end in view is to promote love, forgiveness, understanding and unity among the brethren, rather than to become one of those whom God "hates" (Prov.6:16), who "sow discord among brethren" (Prov.6:19). Sometimes you have already heard the gossip before you realize that that is what you are hearing. No worries. Still speak in a way that is fair to the absent party, and likely to encourage the gossip toward a more charitable assessment of his or her sister or brother.

[Ian]

This topic is topical for me right now! I think I have a good relationship with the parents of all the children I drive, but one of them, the mother of a severely autistic child of 9, is very difficult. She often gossips about other people to me, but occasionally she turns on me too! Not behind my back (yet), but to me directly. This afternoon when I arrived with her child, she was not at home. A neighbour let me into the block of flats, and the two of us waited there briefly, with the rest of the kids unattended in the bus round the corner. Another neighbour saw her walking from a distance, and shouted to me (theirs is a ground floor flat so I was visible from outside) "she`s coming". So I came out, told her her son was inside by the flat door, and departed (I thought) cordially. Ten minutes later my mobile phone rings and I pull over, to hear her ask me why I left her son "unattended alone inside". In reality he was unattended for about 15 seconds, and that safely inside not out.
I told her that I was underway with kids in the bus and didn`t want to speak then. Anyway I`m to expect an "Absprechung" Monday morning when I pick him up again.

My wife is home in 15 minutes. I want to discuss this with her. Just to get this petty incident off my back for the weekend. Am I being Christ-like towards this mother in bringing this up at all with my wife at the dinner table? After all, the woman is not in attendance.

[Paidion]

You are bringing it up with your wife, not to gossip about the woman, but to seek your wife's input. She may have suggestions which did not occur to you as to how to deal with a genuine problem.

[Ian]

My wife was too tired to really engage me on the issue and so completely agreed instead!

It`s easy to find the reason for a problem in the other person rather than yourself, but sometimes it really is true. This woman is barely coping with the burden of having a child like this. My duty is to "refuse to be offended" as Steve describes, and offer a "soft answer" on Monday.

[robbyyoung]

My wife was too tired to really engage me on the issue and so completely agreed instead!

It`s easy to find the reason for a problem in the other person rather than yourself, but sometimes it really is true. This woman is barely coping with the burden of having a child like this. My duty is to "refuse to be offended" as Steve describes, and offer a "soft answer" on Monday.

Brother Ian,

Steve has given some great advice, I would just like to add the following encouragement:

Gal 5:22-23 "But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, longsuffering, gentleness, goodness, faith, Meekness, temperance: against such there is no law."

Brother when you are led by the Spirit to show it's fruits superiority over the works of the flesh, you will never be outside God's will. Suffer for righteousness sake if need be, after all, does not all things work together for our good if we remain faithful?

I will pray for your perseverance and joy in the Lord. May His peace rest upon you, in Christ's love - God Bless!