I've talked with Steve in the past about my personal marriage situation (my wife seperated from me close to 4 years ago). It appears I have biblical grounds for divorce (based primarily on 1 Cor. 7 12-15).
However, I am having a difficult time taking the step towards divorce. Mostly because of the detrimental effect I am afraid it will have on my children (ages 8 and 9).
Have I crossed the line over into idolatry? Placing my love for my children above my love for Jesus. I think that I am doing so, but would appreciate any comments on the subject.
Thank you.
An occasional Internet listener from Sioux City, Iowa
Mike
Idolatry or Commitment?
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Idolatry or Commitment?
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_Anonymous
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Idolatry or----
I think it is right that you hold hope that you can restore your marriage.
I believe that God does not want us to divorce. But he does give us a reason for it. There does come a time when hope has vanished. Only you and your wife can recognize when that has come. I hope that you and her can repair what is a holy union. Too often in our culture, marriage has become all too disposable. I wish you the best.
I believe that God does not want us to divorce. But he does give us a reason for it. There does come a time when hope has vanished. Only you and your wife can recognize when that has come. I hope that you and her can repair what is a holy union. Too often in our culture, marriage has become all too disposable. I wish you the best.
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Idolatry or Commitment?
Harrison, thank you for the encouragement.
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Dear Mike,
I don’t think that love for children and love for Jesus are generally in conflict. “Whoever receives one little child like this in My name receives Me” (Matt.18:5). “Inasmuch as you did it to one of the least of these My brethren, you did it to Me!” (Matt.25:40). It is, no doubt, possible for a person to obsess over his or her children to the point of idolatry. This would seem to be the case when the fear of displeasing the children prevents a parent from obeying God, perhaps in the area of the duty to discipline (Prov.13:24/19:18), or neglecting to censure sinful behavior (1 Kings 1:6), or in allowing a child’s preferences to undermine the parental leadership of the home, etc. (see Matt.10:37/19:29). I do not see how your situation would fall into any of these categories, however.
If there were a command of God in scripture (or a personal imperative spoken by the Holy Spirit to your heart) requiring you to divorce your wife, and you refused to do it out of concern for your children’s well-being (understandable as this might be), I think it would be sin to neglect the command of God, and it would be necessary to divorce your wife regardless of what adverse effects you felt this might have on your children (Abraham offering up Isaac comes to mind—Gen.22).
However, there is no command in Scripture for a man to divorce his wife or for a woman to divorce her husband. There are situations in which biblical grounds for divorce exist (Matt.5:32/1 Cor.7:12-15), and I know enough about your case to believe that they probably exist in yours. Where there are scriptural grounds, there is no sin in obtaining a divorce. Even then, however, there is no command that one MUST obtain a divorce, whether proper grounds exist or not. There may be foreseeable or unforeseeable negative consequences that would be brought, unnecessarily, upon your family even if a justifiable divorce were to be obtained.
If you have a clear word from God about one course of action or other, and there is not contrary revelation in scripture, then you obviously must follow what God tells you. However, you said you are having a difficult time making the step to divorce. This difficulty may be God putting a check in your heart against moving hastily in that direction. I do not say that three or four years waiting, and then obtaining a divorce, is necessarily “hasty”—but it may be getting ahead of God in a given case. God only knows what He intends ultimately to do in your wife’s heart, or when He may intend to do it. If He has given you no peace about it, I would hold off until that peace was there.
It may be possible for you to divorce and remarry to the advantage of your children (depending upon the undesirability of maintaining your present situation indefinitely and upon the wisdom of your selection of a second wife). However, if you do not remarry well, or at all, I do not see what advantage a divorce would be to you or your children at this time. If you have met, or if you should happen to meet, a godly woman, whom you think to be a prospect for a better marriage and a desirable step-mom for your kids, then it would make sense to consider divorcing the unbelieving wife who has abandoned your marriage more than three years ago, who will not negotiate a reconciliation, and who clearly is “not content to dwell” with you. But if there is no female acquaintance on the radar screen who seems like she might be a godly prospect, then, were I in your shoes (and I am, somewhat), I would keep things as they are and hope for a miracle from God to restore my wife and children, to His glory, to their original places in the home.
I don’t think that love for children and love for Jesus are generally in conflict. “Whoever receives one little child like this in My name receives Me” (Matt.18:5). “Inasmuch as you did it to one of the least of these My brethren, you did it to Me!” (Matt.25:40). It is, no doubt, possible for a person to obsess over his or her children to the point of idolatry. This would seem to be the case when the fear of displeasing the children prevents a parent from obeying God, perhaps in the area of the duty to discipline (Prov.13:24/19:18), or neglecting to censure sinful behavior (1 Kings 1:6), or in allowing a child’s preferences to undermine the parental leadership of the home, etc. (see Matt.10:37/19:29). I do not see how your situation would fall into any of these categories, however.
If there were a command of God in scripture (or a personal imperative spoken by the Holy Spirit to your heart) requiring you to divorce your wife, and you refused to do it out of concern for your children’s well-being (understandable as this might be), I think it would be sin to neglect the command of God, and it would be necessary to divorce your wife regardless of what adverse effects you felt this might have on your children (Abraham offering up Isaac comes to mind—Gen.22).
However, there is no command in Scripture for a man to divorce his wife or for a woman to divorce her husband. There are situations in which biblical grounds for divorce exist (Matt.5:32/1 Cor.7:12-15), and I know enough about your case to believe that they probably exist in yours. Where there are scriptural grounds, there is no sin in obtaining a divorce. Even then, however, there is no command that one MUST obtain a divorce, whether proper grounds exist or not. There may be foreseeable or unforeseeable negative consequences that would be brought, unnecessarily, upon your family even if a justifiable divorce were to be obtained.
If you have a clear word from God about one course of action or other, and there is not contrary revelation in scripture, then you obviously must follow what God tells you. However, you said you are having a difficult time making the step to divorce. This difficulty may be God putting a check in your heart against moving hastily in that direction. I do not say that three or four years waiting, and then obtaining a divorce, is necessarily “hasty”—but it may be getting ahead of God in a given case. God only knows what He intends ultimately to do in your wife’s heart, or when He may intend to do it. If He has given you no peace about it, I would hold off until that peace was there.
It may be possible for you to divorce and remarry to the advantage of your children (depending upon the undesirability of maintaining your present situation indefinitely and upon the wisdom of your selection of a second wife). However, if you do not remarry well, or at all, I do not see what advantage a divorce would be to you or your children at this time. If you have met, or if you should happen to meet, a godly woman, whom you think to be a prospect for a better marriage and a desirable step-mom for your kids, then it would make sense to consider divorcing the unbelieving wife who has abandoned your marriage more than three years ago, who will not negotiate a reconciliation, and who clearly is “not content to dwell” with you. But if there is no female acquaintance on the radar screen who seems like she might be a godly prospect, then, were I in your shoes (and I am, somewhat), I would keep things as they are and hope for a miracle from God to restore my wife and children, to His glory, to their original places in the home.
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In Jesus,
Steve
Steve
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Idolatry or Commitment?
Steve,
As always, very sound advice from you. And, backed up with proof texts from Scripture. The point about waiting until I have some kind of peace about this either way, lightens my burden somewhat.
Mike
As always, very sound advice from you. And, backed up with proof texts from Scripture. The point about waiting until I have some kind of peace about this either way, lightens my burden somewhat.
Mike
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long seperation
Hi Just thought I would add coming from a womans point of view. If you have been seperated for 4 years and your "wife" has not gotten a divorce she has deep seated reasons why "she" is not getting the divorce. If she is recieving some kind of monetary support still from you , well then that could be a wordly motive but if not.. she is certainly not convinced of it either. I agree with Steves comments on waiting on the H.S I know in our timing 4 years could seem really out of whack but if you just don't feel a release in your spirit on this one it is probubly for a reason. I have always regreted not waiting on the HS timing and running ahead with "my" timing. Learning patience is never easy. I keep thinking some how I have "accomplished it" but not much time passes when I am reminded how much more growing I have to do. glow
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answer
I don't have any wisdom to share but i will pray for you and your family.
God is still faithful,we recieve life from him alone,so i will keep you in my prayers.
God is still faithful,we recieve life from him alone,so i will keep you in my prayers.
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I will pray for you and family as well.......
Whenever I encounter a very huge trial, I always remember that GOD resists the proud gives grace to humble....You sound humble and concerned....I dont believe you are in any form of idolatry just much concern for your children. A proud person wouldn't even consider asking.
Whenever I encounter a very huge trial, I always remember that GOD resists the proud gives grace to humble....You sound humble and concerned....I dont believe you are in any form of idolatry just much concern for your children. A proud person wouldn't even consider asking.
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A big thank you to those who have prayed for my ongoing (now 5 years +) seperation. I am going to wait awhile longer and pray for a miracle, because I am convinced a supernatural move of the Spirit is my only chance with my spouse who has still made no effort to reconcile.
This forum is full of caring and wise people and, as an aside, Steve Gregg is a tireless servant of the Lord. Re-reading this thread has given me encouragement to carry on just a little more as I wait for guidance from the Holy Spirit.
This forum is full of caring and wise people and, as an aside, Steve Gregg is a tireless servant of the Lord. Re-reading this thread has given me encouragement to carry on just a little more as I wait for guidance from the Holy Spirit.
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Hi Mike,
Thanks for the update. Glad you're still receiving the grace to hang in there. I am now in my fifth year of singleness since my wife's desertion. She remarried last August, so the "waiting to see" time is now past for me.
Thanks for the update. Glad you're still receiving the grace to hang in there. I am now in my fifth year of singleness since my wife's desertion. She remarried last August, so the "waiting to see" time is now past for me.
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In Jesus,
Steve
Steve