Feedback Requested

[Ja1and22]

I‘ve paid close attention to your discussions on the subject of marriage and divorce on The Narrow Path Forum, and have been impressed that the perspectivces shared here are based squarely on God’s Word and are therefore trustworthy. With this in mind, I want to request feedback regarding my own situation.

Cliffs Notes Version: He cheated, He lied, He threatened, He violated, He wanted out from the start. He's a super Con Man, He's scary. Tell me if I'm wrong, but I think I'm free.


Detailed Version:

Though he never actually admitted to it and I never walked in on him with another woman, my husband provided multiple indications of having been unfaithful throughout the duration of our 17-year marriage (letters, bloody underclothes, strongly perfumed clothing, alibis with serious discrepencies, and so on). He haughtily rejected me, making it clear from the start that I fell impossibly short of his standards, that there were other women better than me. He delighted in making cruel remarks, appearing to be pleased when he saw that they produced suffering. When every evidence indicated that two of his adult sons had used a date rape drug on me (following a series of violations against my personal things), my husband refused to investigate or act to protect me from the possibility of a repeated offense. Instead, he called me a liar. A year or two later, he moved into his own bedroom. At my attempts to discuss these matters with him, his response was to either go into an accusative attack mode, or to say that he ‘just wanted a divorce.’ Eventually, he ceased physical intimacy with me altogether, refusing to speak to me or acknowledge my presence for weeks at a time. He made it his practice to ignore me as a general rule, except that on repeated occasions, he would announce loudly from an adjoining room that someone ought to do away with me.

Later in the marriage, my husband’s demeanor became darkly menacing, to the point that I began to physically tremble in his presence. A sinister, surreal atmosphere came over our relationship that never quite resolved for as long as I remained in the home with him, and I began to feel it advisable to sleep with our young daughter behind a barricaded door at night. It became evident at one point that my husband had begun to study me coldly, closely, as if watching for something in particular. I realized, not long after, that I had developed strange, inexplicable symptoms (that I was later able to identify as corresponding with those of having been gradually poisoned by a known toxin). My symptoms were severe enough that one night I crumpled over at the dinner table, too weak to raise myself for some minutes. My husband watched, silently detached, from the other side of the table. He had recently (without saying anything) taken over all the cooking, dishing our individual servings himself, so that I would come to the table and find my food already dished and waiting for me. This was uncharacteristic of him, and uncharacteristic of our family serving style. Considering Terri Schiavo’s recent death, which my husband had in those days applauded, I concluded that my fears were not altogether unfounded, and stopped eating anything he prepared for me. Meanwhile, there was increasing evidence of what a sheriff identified as first-stages of molestation between my husband and our young daughter, which I took graduated steps to prevent. On one occasion I removed our daughter from the home to protect her after an episode I will not here describe. My husband retaliated by going to my friends, family and pastor (most of whom he had until then shunned), fabricating stories to convince them that I was unstable, an unfit mother, and a liar. Shocked at what what they were told (very convincingly), all but my closest friends actually believed the stories and withdrew from me their friendship and support; as a result I became a disgraced woman in our small community (where I was known as a worship leader and women's lay minister). I did try to talk with my husband about these issues as they arose, but no matter how prayerfully I considered when and how to address these issues, my attempts met with implacable hostility, merciless accusation. Carefully-worded entreaties caused him to take only further offense, which he twisted and repeated in their new, twisted form to my previous friends (who were now his sympathetic friends), further convincing them that I was unstable and not a credible witness.


Through a series of what I took to be God-ordained events, I was given a job in another city several hours away, and relatives took us in. My daughter and I lived with them for two years, and I voluntarily returned with our child for discretely-supervised visits with her dad as often as possible, hoping to forestall disaster. I continued to engage and honor my husband to the fullest extent that I was able, until finally, he demanded that our daughter be brought to live permanently with him. He told me, “If you don’t pack her things and bring her to me, I will come and get her.” He also told me he could prove I was unstable, not a fit parent, and that he could easily get custody of our daughter. Alarmed, I immediately took her into hiding and filed for divorce to secure her safety. I called my husband to tell him I was filing for divorce, but only in order to create a place of safety from which to work with him, stating my intention to build, if he was willing, a healthy relationship that could lead to our remarriage. My husband told me to either “drop the divorce and come back right now, or don’t bother at all.” I found it impossible to immediately go back, and felt that if I did return, I would be in disobedience to the Lord’s leading. Soon after, I began to hear of my husband’s entertaining questionable friendships with certain women (he has since settled into a serious relationship with the woman next-door, whose life has become intimately intertwined with his). I did proceed with the divorce, which is complete. By legal requirement, our daughter now visits her father on a regular basis, and whatever his motives, he is treating her well. I am keenly sensitive to signs of abuse, and have detected none. I’m convinced that as long as I live, there is protection for my daughter in that I am available to pray for her specifically, and should anything happen to her, there is a second parent outside her dad's immediate sphere of influence who can discover the trouble, sound the alarm and bring outside help. This seems to me a healthy deterrent. Additionally, our daughter has become older and more confident, and is more likely to respond appropriately in the event of abuse.


Throughout the course of our marriage, I grew in my ability to demonstrate selfless love for my husband, to do him good and not evil, to honor and respect him, and to invite him into loving relationship. All of this in surrender to my Lord Jesus, and in His strength. When my love for my husband died, I asked the Lord to make up for it with His love for him. God was faithful to provide supernatural love, which I was careful to exercise in my dealings with him. Despite the ongoing anguish of daily rejection and cruelty, I engaged in the marriage to the best of my ability in Christ, until it became impossible to do so without endangering our daughter. Were it not for safety issues, I would not have left my husband, but would have stayed on for the sake of the name of my God. I’m convinced that by His Spirit and through His word, the Lord led us safely out of a dangerous place with perfect timing, providing step-by-step guidance along the way to safety. He has since made it clear to my heart that the marriage, which was not a marriage but a state of bondage, is permanently over. I don’t claim to be innocent of error along the way, or that I did no wrong that needed to be set right (or even that what I suffered was undeserved) but I have a clear conscience and am confident that to the best of my knowledge and ability, I’ve done the best that could be done and have set things as right as possible - inasmuch as it is in my power to do so. However, it is I who filed for divorce. At the time, it seemed the only way to protect my daughter from falling into harmful custody; But I was acting in fear, not in the Spirit. It could be said that my husband divorced me years ago and that I was coming before the judge to ask for ‘the writing of divorcement’ to document an event that had already taken place. On the other hand, it seems there must have been a more God-honoring way to secure my child’s safety while leaving it to my husband to do the filing, which I’m sure he was about to do.

I am willing to remain unmarried for the balance of my life if that is the necessary consequence of my action, but I don’t sense in the Spirit (nor do I see in Scripture) that this is what the Lord requires of me. I believe that despite the fact that I might have done better in this part of what happened, I have been fully released by the Lord and am free to remarry as He directs, whenever I am ready. Am I wrong to see it thus? If you think so, my like-minded fellows, then say so and explain why - or ask what questions you might; I will stop, rethink this whole thing In light of what you have to say, and see about readjusting my view. I want what the Lord wants. Thank you, and forgive me for writing under a pseudonym. I've revealed enough information that I want to be careful to protect the innocent…and, maybe the not so innocent, as well.


Many blessings,


A3K

[steve]

As near as I can tell, Sister, you have as much grounds for divorce as anyone I know. The only question is whether your husband has actually committed adultery, but it sounds as if you have sufficient evidence that he has. It is a shame that the things you claim against him (like attempted murder) cannot be thoroughly proved, but God knows and if you are certain that the evidence cannot reasonably be taken another way, then I would not think that the matter can or would need to be proved beyond that.

Of course, I am only hearing your side of the story, but if it is accurate, I don't see anything tying you permanently to that marriage. In my judgment, where there is legitimate grounds for divorce, there is also legitimate grounds for remarriage. However, you should beware of any temptation to rebound with any nice guy who may show an interest. My experience (and that of many divorced/widowed men and women known to me) is that there are many eligible single people out there who represent themselves as good Christians, but who would not make good mates for a committed Christian. As a newly-divorced woman, you may be vulnerable to wolves in sheep's clothing.

[Ja1and22]

Thanks, Steve. I appreciate your feedback. The main thing is knowing whether I can in all good conscience close the book on the old marriage. I felt that I could, but wanted feedback to be sure I wasn't deceiving myself. Part of the reason it went so badly is that it WAS a rebound marriage. Ouch. I have learned a very hard lesson! But it was a good lesson. It was part of what the Lord used to help me surrender my life to Him without reserve, and how I learned that nothing is worth living for or worth having, apart from Him. I appreciate your word of caution. If I do ever marry again it will be to a man who is sold out to the Lord and his kingdom, and he will have to get past the men in my family, who have stepped forward to stand as a safeguard for me.

[Jepne]

Your post was so well-written! I love your statement - "Throughout the course of our marriage, I grew in my ability to demonstrate selfless love for my husband, to do him good and not evil, to honor and respect him, and to invite him into loving relationship." This is so refreshing to hear you say. Too many times we are told to concentrate on getting out of difficult marriages.

I had a husband who fathered children with another woman and claimed to still love me and want me in his life. After he moved in with her, I did move away to be part of a church that was teeming with life where I felt safe, and hoped to gather strength for the battle to win him to Christ, and of course, back to me, "saved, changed, and home."

After the second child was four years old or so, I got tired of wondering what color he would want the walls to be painted. Also, I thought that if a man is with a prostitute, he can be "one flesh" with her in a matter of minutes, so, if we were not one flesh anymore (Paul did not say a threesome made one flesh), I just needed to be free and stop the illusion that he was still my husband. I was convinced that if he was, it was only a legality.

So, we got the 'paperwork' done and a year later, she left him, and though he claimed to still love me, he did nothing to bring us together again. I made up my mind, like you, that if I were to marry again, I would not be doing the choosing anymore - the man would have to pass muster with my elders. Funny to note, when I did meet someone wonderful and he told one of the elders he wanted to marry me, the elder replied, "We don't arrange marriages here". They did appreciate very much the fact that he traveled so many miles to spend a whole month where I lived, getting to know my friends and the fellowship (and me).

You sound like you are doing well. Bless you! Jepne

[Ja1and22]

Jepne, I can imagine few things more excruciating than to live with an unfaithful mate, and I’m sorry you had to deal with it. Do you feel that the Lord used it in your life? That you are the better person for having been through it? I'm glad to hear the Lord brought your grief to a happy conclusion. “I had fainted, unless I had believed that I would see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living.” How good it is to belong to Him! Thanks for sharing, Sister. Bless you!

[Jepne]

Thank you for your kind post! “I had fainted, unless I had believed that I would see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living” was my ‘operating scripture’. It was an excruciating nightmare. I thought I would die. He was like my own soul to me. I felt like I was fighting for my own life. So I had to die.

We had been as though joined ‘at the hip’ because he was my reason for living before I met the Lord. Then when I met the Lord, I didn’t know what to think and was so very confused because it did not seem that the relationship was worth much, and church had become very important. But a few years later, when I saw I might lose him, oh, heavens help!! The woman even was introducing herself to people as his wife, and a wedding present from one of her relatives came to my house! Yeow. I so wanted to put something disgusting into the box before forwarding it to her address, but, thank God, and no credit to me, I did not. I do not know if I am a better person for having ‘gone through it’ all, I just know that had I done that, I would now feel a little shame and sorrow for not having been a better witness to His grace.

George MacDonald says, “The evil a man does to his neighbour, shall do his neighbour no harm, shall work indeed for his good; but he himself will have to mourn for his doing.” We are not permanently damaged, which is hard to believe when it hurts, but it is a truth I have to get accustomed to in regard to some more recent events in my life.

Happy conclusion? It is only that life has gone on. I cried every time I ran across the divorce papers. I can still cry if I ‘go there’, even though I am delightfully happily married right now, a marriage that has not been without very great sorrows of its own – though not because of anyone’s sin - I am beginning to think that the real happy conclusion will be the resurrection, and how we look forward to that! Bless you – very much! Jepne

[Ja1and22]

Jepne, I'm laughing at your reaction to the wedding gift. It reminds me of when a love letter seeking rendezvous with a previous flame came back to our house marked 'undeliverable.' Looking back, it's funny that my husband actually put our return address on the envelope, and in some macabre way, even funnier that it was returned. Sin has its ways of finding a person out! I was devastated, but had I lost anything, really? I learned over time that the man was not who I'd thought he was, and his love had never been mine. What I lost was not love, but the illusion of love. Our marriage was built on sand. When the storm hit and the waves crashed I thought I would be washed away in sorrow. What pain!! What despair!! It seemed that I would die, and sure enough I did; to SELF. I had idolized my husband, but learned the hard way that the one on my throne wasn't even him; it was me! T'was a violent dethroning process I must say, and oh so excrutiating, but I'm glad for it now. Weeping may endure for a night, but joy comes in the morning. Bless you too, Jepne!