How do you approach people who use thier children to get back at a divorced spouse.I have seen it alot with parents who have joint custody(and experienced it myself as a child.)The basic M.O. is to talk very badly about the other parent,to the point where the children mimic thier attitude.
They also tend to use thing such as visitation,toys,etc to get back at them.
The children are very hateful to the other parent until they are with them.
It seems to me they become very doubleminded about thier parents,having to hate the parent they are absent from.
In my case i learned that loving my parents and understanding their offenses where two different things.i had to learn to love them,but also acknowledge wrong.Far to often the children of divorce are simply used as tools to get back at the offending parent.Could this fall under the root of bitterness defiling many talked about in the new testament?
Have any of you ever experienced this or been like this and realised what was wrong?
I would appreciate your coments and insights
Thank you.
Children of divorce
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Children of divorce
Last edited by Guest on Wed Dec 31, 1969 7:00 pm, edited 0 times in total.
Reason:
Reason:
Re: Children of divorce
This is one of the most horrid situations I can possibly imagine. What you basically have is either one or both former spouses who have hardened their hearts to the point of passing it on to their children. They're emotionally damaging their children by what they're doing, but they're so self-involved that they can't see it and wouldn't care even if they did!
Truly, when someone has hardened their hearts to this degree, the only thing you can do as a third-party witness to the situation is to rebuke them in the strongest terms possible. If they're insensitive, then only breaking through that insensitivity will get you anywhere. Yes, you risk them hating you and taking their feelings out on you, but which would you rather have? That, or their children growing up learning how to hate instead of love?
But as you said, what do you do if you're a child of a marriage situation like that? It's not like you can just cut the person off who's being insensitive to you, even as an adult! There's a familial bond there that will never be removed. For that reason, this can be very, very difficult to cope with in later years, because it removes a proper emotional foundation from you upon which to build personal relationships later on in life.
My suggestion to you is that you pray, seek therapy, and seek out positive, loving role models to rebuild this emotional foundation as best you can. Even if you can't forgive the parent or parents who did this to you because they won't ask for forgiveness, let the pain go as much as you're able. Don't hold a grudge, because if you do you'll make it impossible to fully heal. Also, always remember that it's not your fault, and try to see the bigger picture, like you said above. In other words, if one or both parents were this emotionally insensitive to you and to each other, then how did they get this way? What caused that? Maybe it was their parents doing the same thing to them? A difficult situation that they never healed from? As you said, seek to understand and have mercy on them, rather than holding a grudge.
Damon
Truly, when someone has hardened their hearts to this degree, the only thing you can do as a third-party witness to the situation is to rebuke them in the strongest terms possible. If they're insensitive, then only breaking through that insensitivity will get you anywhere. Yes, you risk them hating you and taking their feelings out on you, but which would you rather have? That, or their children growing up learning how to hate instead of love?
But as you said, what do you do if you're a child of a marriage situation like that? It's not like you can just cut the person off who's being insensitive to you, even as an adult! There's a familial bond there that will never be removed. For that reason, this can be very, very difficult to cope with in later years, because it removes a proper emotional foundation from you upon which to build personal relationships later on in life.
My suggestion to you is that you pray, seek therapy, and seek out positive, loving role models to rebuild this emotional foundation as best you can. Even if you can't forgive the parent or parents who did this to you because they won't ask for forgiveness, let the pain go as much as you're able. Don't hold a grudge, because if you do you'll make it impossible to fully heal. Also, always remember that it's not your fault, and try to see the bigger picture, like you said above. In other words, if one or both parents were this emotionally insensitive to you and to each other, then how did they get this way? What caused that? Maybe it was their parents doing the same thing to them? A difficult situation that they never healed from? As you said, seek to understand and have mercy on them, rather than holding a grudge.
Damon
Last edited by Guest on Wed Dec 31, 1969 7:00 pm, edited 0 times in total.
Reason:
Reason:
This is not as simple a matter as an outsider might hastily conclude. I know from experience that children are quite capable of being angry at a deserting parent, even if the innocent parent is seeking to keep their hearts soft.
The deserting parent is the one who has cheated the innocent spouse and children, and virtually all the blame for any stumblingblocks placed before the children by that heinous act belongs to the perpetrator. If the children suffer, or if they feel angry toward the unfaithful parent, the responsibility rests squarely with that covenant-breaking partner. He/she can not reasonably complain when the children see him/her for what he/she is.
The spouse who obtains a divorce without biblical grounds is thinking only about himself/herself, not the well-being of the children. If it is the innocent parent who ends up with custody (or even if not), it is his/her obligation to salvage, in the children's minds, a correct and godly concept of what marriage is supposed to be.
That would have been relatively easy, if the marriage had stayed together and both parties had lived out the godly model for the children. It can hardly be expected that the deserted parent (whether custodial or non-custodial), who has been left with the task of damage control with the children, can express to them what God's standards are for marriage, without saying anything about the wrongness of the other parent's behavior. Yet, when such things are said, how can that parent avoid the charge of "turning the children against" their other parent. It is a "Catch-22."
I have never been the child of a broken home, but my children and I have together been victimized by a wife and mother who abandoned her entire family, after 20 years of being a committed Christian, in order to pursue a life of narcissism and hedonism. I was placed in the unenviable position of a parent seeking reconciliation with the children's runaway mother, wishing to maintain the children's proper attitudes of honor and receptivity toward her, but also (as the only remaining conscientious moral instructor of my children), to explain that what their mother did was wrong and was not to be excused or emulated. It is quite unfair on the part of the deserting parent, to put his/her children and spouse in this awkward position.
Children, in such a case, have the same responsibility as does anyone else who has been wronged by another person--namely, to forgive and put away all bitterness, wrath, anger, clamor, evil speaking and malice (Eph.4:31). Forgiveness is not easy, and it is, most likely, only really possible when the children are true Christians and know the grace of God in their hearts. Forgiveness is mandatory, whether the offending parent has asked for it or not. It is not the offender's desire for forgiveness that obligates the Christian to forgive, but it is God's desire and His command that we forgive each other in precisely the degree that we hope to be forgiven by God (Matt.6:12-15/Mark 11:25-26).
The deserting parent is the one who has cheated the innocent spouse and children, and virtually all the blame for any stumblingblocks placed before the children by that heinous act belongs to the perpetrator. If the children suffer, or if they feel angry toward the unfaithful parent, the responsibility rests squarely with that covenant-breaking partner. He/she can not reasonably complain when the children see him/her for what he/she is.
The spouse who obtains a divorce without biblical grounds is thinking only about himself/herself, not the well-being of the children. If it is the innocent parent who ends up with custody (or even if not), it is his/her obligation to salvage, in the children's minds, a correct and godly concept of what marriage is supposed to be.
That would have been relatively easy, if the marriage had stayed together and both parties had lived out the godly model for the children. It can hardly be expected that the deserted parent (whether custodial or non-custodial), who has been left with the task of damage control with the children, can express to them what God's standards are for marriage, without saying anything about the wrongness of the other parent's behavior. Yet, when such things are said, how can that parent avoid the charge of "turning the children against" their other parent. It is a "Catch-22."
I have never been the child of a broken home, but my children and I have together been victimized by a wife and mother who abandoned her entire family, after 20 years of being a committed Christian, in order to pursue a life of narcissism and hedonism. I was placed in the unenviable position of a parent seeking reconciliation with the children's runaway mother, wishing to maintain the children's proper attitudes of honor and receptivity toward her, but also (as the only remaining conscientious moral instructor of my children), to explain that what their mother did was wrong and was not to be excused or emulated. It is quite unfair on the part of the deserting parent, to put his/her children and spouse in this awkward position.
Children, in such a case, have the same responsibility as does anyone else who has been wronged by another person--namely, to forgive and put away all bitterness, wrath, anger, clamor, evil speaking and malice (Eph.4:31). Forgiveness is not easy, and it is, most likely, only really possible when the children are true Christians and know the grace of God in their hearts. Forgiveness is mandatory, whether the offending parent has asked for it or not. It is not the offender's desire for forgiveness that obligates the Christian to forgive, but it is God's desire and His command that we forgive each other in precisely the degree that we hope to be forgiven by God (Matt.6:12-15/Mark 11:25-26).
Last edited by FAST WebCrawler [Crawler] on Thu Feb 10, 2005 2:57 pm, edited 3 times in total.
Reason:
Reason:
In Jesus,
Steve
Steve