"Just not attracted to them anymore"

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Haole
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"Just not attracted to them anymore"

Post by Haole » Thu Nov 15, 2012 6:59 pm

I have a friend whose wife cheated on him 15 years ago. She had a child from the affair. The other guy took his wife and family and left the state. My friend wanted to keep the marriage intact. Their church had them in counseling, they "dated" and were counseled to have "relations" and she was told that she'd "come around". They eventually had another child. And now for 9 years, they have had no intimacy. They barely have a friendship. She has continued to cheat on him, and he has continued to pray. Her attitude has been, "I am not attracted to him anymore". She is away from the LORD so it is hard to ask her to honor her commitment or for her to pray to God to be changed.

I have a friend that is a female, who had an online affair with someone, broke it off, and now her stance is, "I'm just not attracted to him [my husband] anymore."

In the second scenario, my friend insists that she's been praying to be changed back into a woman that appreciates the qualities that she first saw in her husband. I'm not sure that should be the whole of it, but that's where she is.

Does anyone have any experience with seeing anyone "come around" to falling in love with their spouse all over again. It is easy for me to tell them to "Honor their commitment" or, "Pray and God will change you". I have no advice for them. This post is for my benefit. Has anyone had any experience with this...sucessfully or otherwise?

Thanks, Kevin

MMathis
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Re: "Just not attracted to them anymore"

Post by MMathis » Fri Nov 16, 2012 1:14 pm

That's why the "...except for adultery...." out clause is in the Bible.
MMathis
Las Vegas NV

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Ian
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Re: "Just not attracted to them anymore"

Post by Ian » Fri Nov 16, 2012 2:51 pm

.
Last edited by Ian on Sat Nov 17, 2012 11:43 am, edited 1 time in total.

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mattrose
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Re: "Just not attracted to them anymore"

Post by mattrose » Fri Nov 16, 2012 4:16 pm

Part of this likely comes from a misunderstanding of marital love

Marital love is not supposed to be primarily based on attraction, emotion, or even necessarily common interests. Marital love is active care for the person you married. You can't COMMAND someone to have an attraction toward someone else. Nor can you COMMAND them feel something or have things in common. You can only COMMAND acts of service. Marital love is commanded.

So if the question is, can a person start loving their spouse again... the answer is certainly yes

If the question is whether the feelings can come back, the answer is only maybe. But I would suppose the chances of the emotions coming back are better when the active service has been re-started.

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jarrod
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Re: "Just not attracted to them anymore"

Post by jarrod » Fri Nov 16, 2012 8:43 pm

mattrose wrote:Marital love is not supposed to be primarily based on attraction, emotion, or even necessarily common interests. Marital love is active care for the person you married. ...Marital love is commanded.
I think the underlying principle behind that command is the fact that you stood before the Lord and everyone present to confirm a covenant that you chose to enter into with that person. I believe, giving them that promise, that they are suppose to be able to count on your commitment. Loving them, at the very least, is honoring your covenant with them and the Lord. That means denying yourself of your own desires to leave or be with someone else and choosing them.

I applaud the man's commitment to his wife and trust in the Lord to lead him through this tough situation.

Jarrod

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Paidion
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Re: "Just not attracted to them anymore"

Post by Paidion » Fri Nov 16, 2012 8:53 pm

Very wise words, Matt! (Oops, Jarrod posted before I got mine off. Your words are very wise also, Jarrod)

It is my view (and experience) that when both spouses make a serious decision to SERVE the other instead of themselves, their marriage is blissful. That's why Paul used the marriage relationship as an illustration of the relationship between Christ and the Assembly. The Assembly serves Christ, and Christ serves and Assembly. Indeed He gave His life for her!

Husbands are to love their wives as Christ loved the Assembly. That's a pretty tall order. That requires a self-sacrificing LOVE. We may never reach that level of LOVE for our wives, but as we strive for it, I think our wives will find us very attractive even if objectively we are not so. It has been said that Jesus wasn't physically attractive. But He gave His life for our benefit. Don't we LOVE Him for that, because He first LOVED us? As long as we continue to relate to Him in LOVE, that LOVE will not fade. I think we'll find it much the same with our wives.

But if we married just for what WE could get out of it, and continued with that mind set, I think we will find our wives will become just as self-serving.
Paidion

Man judges a person by his past deeds, and administers penalties for his wrongdoing. God judges a person by his present character, and disciplines him that he may become righteous.

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Haole
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Re: "Just not attracted to them anymore"

Post by Haole » Fri Nov 16, 2012 10:08 pm

Matt, Jarrod, Paidon. All awesome answers! I agree wholeheartedly with all your assessments.

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