My marriage is not good-help

Post Reply
Lyn63
Posts: 12
Joined: Wed Aug 21, 2013 12:58 pm

My marriage is not good-help

Post by Lyn63 » Wed Dec 25, 2013 12:29 am

My husband is a very hard worker, and I appreciate that about him. He takes care of the finances and handles most of the paperwork for the house.

He hasn't driven me out of the house in the middle of the night with his drinking and bellowing for a couple of weeks now.

I found myself thinking tonight how much more pleasant my life would be if my daughter would let me live with her.

I drove home in silence with my husband from Christmas Eve with my family. We got home and he gave a loving hello to the dog. Really?

I don't enjoy his company most of the time. Our sex life is all but gone. We are mostly roommates. Any talking or cuddling is most always initiated by me, and I'm just sick of carrying that.

I don't need a divorce, but as I find myself caring less, I wonder why are we living together? I would just like at least as much affection as he gives the dog.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

steve7150
Posts: 2597
Joined: Mon Aug 25, 2008 7:44 am

Re: My marriage is not good-help

Post by steve7150 » Wed Dec 25, 2013 8:22 am

I don't enjoy his company most of the time. Our sex life is all but gone. We are mostly roommates. Any talking or cuddling is most always initiated by me, and I'm just sick of carrying that.

I don't need a divorce, but as I find myself caring less, I wonder why are we living together? I would just like at least as much affection as he gives the dog.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

Lyn63

Posts: 7
Joined: Wed Aug 21, 2013 12:58 pm






Lyn,
How long are you married? Has he changed or have you changed over the years of the marriage? Are you both believers now and if not were you ever?

Sorry to hear about your difficulties.

User avatar
Michelle
Posts: 845
Joined: Fri Aug 22, 2008 12:16 pm

Re: My marriage is not good-help

Post by Michelle » Wed Dec 25, 2013 9:13 am

Lyn, I, too, am sorry that you are having such a difficult time. You must be feeling really low to reach out on Christmas Eve to strangers via the internet. I hope that Christmas morning brings a little more light and joy into your life. The day after, make an appointment to speak with your pastor or an elder of your church. If you're not connected with a church, seek out a Christian family counselor. Your marriage is a precious thing that needs time and effort to preserve. God bless! I'll be praying for you.

User avatar
jarrod
Posts: 294
Joined: Sun Apr 06, 2008 8:49 pm

Re: My marriage is not good-help

Post by jarrod » Wed Dec 25, 2013 9:54 pm

I have no words of wisdom, but I have been reading your post not knowing what to say and just praying that the Holy Spirit help you in your marriage. I am saddened by your struggles and just encourage you to continue in your marriage (not knowing all of the circumstances) and that the Lord provide you with all that you need.

Lyn63
Posts: 12
Joined: Wed Aug 21, 2013 12:58 pm

My marriage is not good-help

Post by Lyn63 » Thu Dec 26, 2013 12:28 pm

Thank you all so much for your replies. Christmas Day did dawn a bit brighter.

It will be thirty years this May that we have been married. We are both Christians although he no longer goes to church. He was a meth addict until 2002 and I am bipolar.

Sometimes I feel okay about things until he has a drunken rant or Christmas Eve leads to certain expectations. I know he was very tired that night.

When things get extra hard I consider counseling, but I tend to let go of the idea as soon as things calm down. My husband would not go to marriage counseling and he would make a big fuss over the cost of me going.

My pastor and our church have been very supportive of both of us. My husband has been arrested five times in the last five years for disorderly conduct, and the pastor was there in support of him when he could. He has suggested I go to a Christian counselor he recommends, but I haven't yet.

Again I thank you for your responses.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

steve7150
Posts: 2597
Joined: Mon Aug 25, 2008 7:44 am

Re: My marriage is not good-help

Post by steve7150 » Fri Dec 27, 2013 8:02 am

When things get extra hard I consider counseling, but I tend to let go of the idea as soon as things calm down. My husband would not go to marriage counseling and he would make a big fuss over the cost of me going.

My pastor and our church have been very supportive of both of us. My husband has been arrested five times in the last five years for disorderly conduct, and the pastor was there in support of him when he could. He has suggested I go to a Christian counselor he recommends, but I haven't yet.






As Michelle said both of you going to counseling would be ideal. Getting advice from people on the internet is risky business since your situation is unique in certain ways to you.

The issue with your husband drinking seems like it has to be addressed to even have the possibility of things getting better. Are you willing to try to talk calmly about this with your husband and is he willing to calmly discuss it?

Lyn63
Posts: 12
Joined: Wed Aug 21, 2013 12:58 pm

My marriage is not good-help

Post by Lyn63 » Fri Dec 27, 2013 5:14 pm

You're right. It's goofy to be looking for help online. And yes, the drinking problem is foremost in importance as far as what needs to be addressed. We have had many calm discussions about it, and he has been in treatment for his different addictions over the years a total of nine times. Twice in the last five years.

It just gets very hard sometimes. I've been dealing with his addiction to one thing and/or another for thirty years. I can't talk about it very much with friends and family because they will say, leave him or shut up about it already. So I keep it to myself.

I have left him several times in our marriage when things became intolerable, but I don't really want to leave.

I have had counseling in the past and it hasn't been very helpful. Alanon would seem like something good, but I struggle with their new age garbage.

I would have unrealistic expectations if I were to think someone online, who doesn't even know me, could offer much help. I hope I haven't come across as belligerent or ungrateful because I don't mean to.






Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

steve7150
Posts: 2597
Joined: Mon Aug 25, 2008 7:44 am

Re: My marriage is not good-help

Post by steve7150 » Fri Dec 27, 2013 6:47 pm

I would have unrealistic expectations if I were to think someone online, who doesn't even know me, could offer much help. I hope I haven't come across as belligerent or ungrateful because I don't mean to.








No you don't sound belligerent or ungrateful, you sound like someone looking for help. As you noted yourself anything i or anyone over the internet mentions take with a big grain of salt and talk it over with someone you trust.

There are no silver bullets , it's mostly the motivation of yourself and your husband toward the value of a good marriage verses the effort it will take to get there.
I think based on what you said about your husband, his drinking, his addictions, his possibly overworking, that possibly these things may be ways of dulling emotional pain.
Since it sounds like at this time he can't fix this himself, it seems to me that you need to decide if you want to make a dedicated effort probably over a considerable amount of time to help him help himself and in doing that give yourself the best chance for a good marriage.
If you decide it's worth it then it would mean first forgiving him for any bad stuff he has done against you. If you can't let go of any resentment toward him then i don't think you can be dispassionate in your job of befriending him.

I think you have to befriend him and work toward reestablishing a mutual friendship with him. Like i mentioned before i think he is in a lot of emotional pain and expresses it sometimes by acting out.
Try to establish this friendship in a selfless way, don't expect any immediate results, look at it as a long term project. My thinking is before you get back to the kind of relationship you miss, you first have to get back to dialoging and being friends even if the outcome is not guaranteed. Start by doing this if it's worth it to you. Marriage is a big thing in the kingdom of God so it is a big deal to God if you can preserve your marriage.

I know you are in a lot of emotional pain also but this marriage isn't gonna fix itself, someone has to make the effort to start someplace.


If you want to do this, think about it and talk to your Pastor or a Christian counselor or at least a good friend. Like i said, i don't know you or your husband so i could be completely missing the mark so give this a lot of thought.

Lyn63
Posts: 12
Joined: Wed Aug 21, 2013 12:58 pm

My marriage is not good-help

Post by Lyn63 » Fri Dec 27, 2013 10:19 pm

Thank you for your thoughtful reply. I can sink my teeth into some of that. I agree that he is in pain and also that I need to forgive.

My friend at church had a book on forgiveness. I will check with her. I tend to think I have forgiven, but then realize I haven't.

Thank you and God bless.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

steve7150
Posts: 2597
Joined: Mon Aug 25, 2008 7:44 am

Re: My marriage is not good-help

Post by steve7150 » Sat Dec 28, 2013 9:59 am

I tend to think I have forgiven, but then realize I haven't.









This is a good insight. Try to keep this in the front of your mind along with patience, persistence, initial low expectations and noticing and appreciating tiny steps of progress when it happens.

God be with you!

Post Reply

Return to “Marriage & Divorce”