I am tired of fighting.

[Guest]

Chist has an interesting way of being both in ones face and out of sight. I have had several incidents in my life, that question all my simple answers. I have always accepted there is a God, and that God knows what goes on.

In 1963 I swollowed drain-o about 65 miles from a small town hospital, and we had no vehicle. Lots of surgery, no apparent damage, my stomach is not the same, but hey. In 1965 I fell off the roof of our barn, maybe 40 feet, walked away with a small cut on my forehead.

In 1979 I was hit in a cross walk by a drunk driver, It was hard, but I walked away, my brother was asleep for three days in the hospital. In 1981 I was shot in the cheek, the bullet hit my upper jawbone and bounce straight back, left a small prefect circle that healed so I can barely see. I've since lost that tooth.

Who am I going to cry to; who would listen If I said life was unfair and cruel punishment. These are what I call spectacular events, because it is not hard to look around and see how lightly I have been touched by these events. Other stuff takes longer to work out.

I have been fighting against any help from God for so long. Christian, I was quick to remind have flown their flags over so many battlefields, so many clear injustices. How long have I taken someone say 'I am a Christian', and assumed that to indicate that the words will be nice, but they are up to no good.

Of course it is not Christians, it's men saying they are Christian, or worse sheep following someone because they say they are Christian, but their bellies are fat, and their skin is sallow. They didn't see my father answer the door late, for us kids, at night to a ragged smell old man saying he was hungry. They didn't see my father sit him down and make him food.

But when they say these men that fight there wifes and beat their children, and drink and do the devils work. They don't see someone who cried because they don't know what else to do. I saw a small part of my fathers life, and it was wild. For some one who said very nasty things about some Christians we encountered, for him spilt blood, meant more than kind words.

He said many times, and I thought it a copout; do as I say not as I do. He also told me to trust no more than half of what anybody says. He also made sure we attended service, and he challenge, our understanding of the bible, forcing us to read it. Curious thing given the things he said and did. I am not sure my father had issue with Christ, just Christians; there is a world of difference.

I don't drink and I don't fight and I don't beat my children, sometimes we fight, but only with words, and God knows sometimes they are right. We try to get along, it true we fight. I was a mean teenager, for never being over 115 pounds, I got over it. My children have all been fighters, they are quicker than I ever was.

Like my father, because I speak out against people who just want to be the puppet-master to obedience sheep. Though they are not necessisarily doing Christs work, but using the name anyway. Because they obey, some leaders theme, and he says he's a Christian, it must be good.

When my Christian community, it says so on the sign, fight as individuals, to close the soup kitchen, because it is attracting some of the 'lowlifes,' and it was hurting business. To my shame, I did nothing, I think my Dad would be uninpressed with me for that. I know who those 'lowlifes' are, they are my family.

I have been told, by ministers, more than several, that I am not a Christian. I have never argued the point. My dad didn't care what church we went to, the one that did the most for kids. The only restrictions he put on that, is that it not be catholic. That's where his grand-parents sent him, and the other, that the church use the bible.

He showed us how people live in the wild, by all of us living in the wild, he showed us about living on reservations by us living on reservations. Making do and being scrond with everyone else we lived with, he showed us how people live in the city by us living in the city. Everywhere we went he made us show him that we understood, how things work.

The first time he didn't beat me for what he considered a serious transgression, he pick up a wooden stick a little less than three feet long. I had been through this before, it hurts, you get over it.

But he stopped, turned around, went back to his chair and sat down. Put the stick down, put his hand to his head, and said, I just don't understand you, you are so different. He closed his eyes, and fell asleep, no pain has ever periced me, as those words. He never said to anyone he was Christian, but I think, no one ever asked me more than he did, what did Christ say about that?

It has been thirty years since, and two-thirds of my life since he died. I am not righteous even in my earthy fathers eyes, I don't hold out hope. I sit at home, I can't even go out the door to feed my own family, if not for others, we would be street people.

If I have to go and be with people, I end up crying, as I have over this. There is nothing inherently wrong with a fat belly and sallow skin, these are charactures not indicitive of any real people other than those who achieve it through decadence. Money use to be a symbol of financial worth, then it had some evil characteristics.

Everywhere I see money worshiped; something has changed. I see people chase it, their tongues alull. In churches as much as anywhere. We justify everything with words, I use to find it comical when both sides in the old war movies would have someone in authority swear with an open bible, that God was on their side.

Puppets and puppet-masters. With only grade eight, I got to work in the brokerage for nine years, doing trades, doing sales, doing paperwork. Everyone I worked with had University educations, who worked that lucky break out for me? More than a few asked me questions and listen to what I had to say.

We are silly humans. What did I know, everyday I worried my lack of education and ignorance would show through, someone asked a question I had and answer or found one quick. I did those things and I saw those things, I know who the puppets are, some people even call us that. You can not smell trouble with your eyes. Everyone was a Christian, people hang it out like a badge.

Some very many who profess to be Christians are mere puppets following men and women. The suits are fine, the dresses are fine, the words are polished and composed. It is maximum sweetness, while real people are getting the slice and dice side of the equations. Maybe if we didn't beat the dog he wouldn't bite.

I can't tell you what gives me the right to say these things, if you check with me I shouldn't be here anyway, I didn't ask for any of my blessings. Yet I have them anyway - It is not some joy to go up to the market, and come home battered, by what other people could dream to say out loud, not to me, to each other. But as is fair the wounds I feel most are those I would suppose upon others.

But if I hate the churches, and I hate to watch the worship of money, and I hate the lies. It was in the churches I learn that people worship money. The collection plate was the one constant, and it went around in public to shame any that could not offer up. But hey I was just a kid; It has taken me long to realize that God is not to blame.

Over the years of my life I have been approached by people I know with large sums on money that was not theirs. They didn't come to me because I am criminal, they came because they thought they were in trouble, and they were. They wanted to know what to do. My first question, can we return it.

No body ever wants to do that, My only other sound advise is give it to God. They know I am going to say that. If all you did, I say, is come for my approval, then I say give it to God, give some to God, give a bit to God, do yourself a favour. Otherwise give it back, say no, say sorry, do what you have to do, it will be better.

What can anyone do? I didn't ask them to trust me. They came to me, what am I suppose to do? I am the last person anyone should come to for Christian advise. How do I know it would be better? I don't, in fact I know just the opposite to be true. People seldom appreciate the act of attonement as anything at all, and the price for daring to take money - off the wall. It's not better, it only good to do.

Sincerely
Steven Maurice

[Guest]

Your posts are very long and I am a slow reader....
In a nutshell what are you saying?
I had a conversion on the street that I call a miracle
30 years ago and I take God at his word even if I dont understand or think its fair.

thank you for your posts and seems you have needed someone to talk with. Its hard to find a faithful friend.........

[Guest]

Friend thank you for your question. Yes I do go on. Would you laugh if I told you I thought that was the nutshell? I will try to give you just the nuts or just the shell, not sure which.

I describe a few events that are true and have happened to me that are not readily explainable. I attribute them to God stuff. Most of what I say is a rant as it were. I basically said, I am not a Christian because of the bloody history such have made for themselves. Not my plan to say we fight for God.

I point out that we hurt each other everyday in ways that are vicious and mean spirited, and show up in church on Sunday like it is all good. I didn't say the words by I hate the lies. I affirm God and Christ in my life, silly not to seeing as how the most interesting things keep walking right in my front door. I have no idea what to do with all this stuff, or why it comes to me, so sometimes I rant.

You most certainly don't have to wade through my stuff. God really likes my skin, I keep finding myself knee deep in trouble and Jesus keeps dragging me back to safer footing. It is a spiritual war that has been waging all my life. I find the whole life thing very hard going, not because of any thing other than the way we all treat each other. God keep sitting me down in the front row, must be my bad eyes - he wants to make sure I see as much as possible.

Thus the title; I could no doubt write three moral test tales everyday, from I see and hear. I try to hide, I don't go out, it comes to me. It's a complaint letter that's all. Something like; God help me, I have no answers for these people, none they'll hear, why do they bother me. I don't want to be caught giving bad guidance to someone elses soul. Most answers are easy - truth will out. Some are more problematic; when the truth will not set them free, but is still the best course.

So now you decide is this shells, or is it nuts?

Sincerely
Steven Maurice

[Guest]

Thank you Steven for your truthful and kind reply.

Maybe christians are mean spirited (some of them) because the devil
rages war against them hourly. I must admit I can get somewhat confused
to how God has guided my walk sometimes tho' alot of problems that arise
have been of my choosing, knowingly or unknowingly. I prayed the Lord to reveal himself to me not only thru his word but personally and after some years he has......
I found out it's best to let him have his way as in the end its best.
I am sorry to hear you are not a christian though I can see God is after you!!! I cannot live without him my need is so much for him that I am willing to die to self to live for him. I pray you will know this kind of relationship and in the end quit figuring this life out and surrender.

Again, thank you for sharing I appreciate it alot.

[Guest]

1Now there was a man of the Pharisees named Nicodemus, a member of the Jewish ruling council. 2He came to Jesus at night and said, "Rabbi, we know you are a teacher who has come from God. For no one could perform the miraculous signs you are doing if God were not with him."
3In reply Jesus declared, "I tell you the truth, no one can see the kingdom of God unless he is born again.[a]"

4"How can a man be born when he is old?" Nicodemus asked. "Surely he cannot enter a second time into his mother's womb to be born!"

5Jesus answered, "I tell you the truth, no one can enter the kingdom of God unless he is born of water and the Spirit. 6Flesh gives birth to flesh, but the Spirit gives birth to spirit. 7You should not be surprised at my saying, 'You[c] must be born again.' 8The wind blows wherever it pleases. You hear its sound, but you cannot tell where it comes from or where it is going. So it is with everyone born of the Spirit."

9"How can this be?" Nicodemus asked.

10"You are Israel's teacher," said Jesus, "and do you not understand these things? 11I tell you the truth, we speak of what we know, and we testify to what we have seen, but still you people do not accept our testimony. 12I have spoken to you of earthly things and you do not believe; how then will you believe if I speak of heavenly things? 13No one has ever gone into heaven except the one who came from heaven—the Son of Man.[d] 14Just as Moses lifted up the snake in the desert, so the Son of Man must be lifted up, 15that everyone who believes in him may have eternal life.[e]

16"For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son,[f] that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life. 17For God did not send his Son into the world to condemn the world, but to save the world through him. 18Whoever believes in him is not condemned, but whoever does not believe stands condemned already because he has not believed in the name of God's one and only Son.[g] 19This is the verdict: Light has come into the world, but men loved darkness instead of light because their deeds were evil. 20Everyone who does evil hates the light, and will not come into the light for fear that his deeds will be exposed. 21But whoever lives by the truth comes into the light, so that it may be seen plainly that what he has done has been done through God."