Howdy

[Guest]

When I join a discussion group where it appears there might be some fellowship and camaraderie, I like to start by introducing myself. It just helps people to know where I'm coming from and what might be behind the thoughts and questions that I put out there. (I also like it when other people respond by introducing themselves, too).

(editorial note added after typing most of the material below: I didn't intend for this to get so long winded. I really didn't intend to write my autobiography; it was supposed to just be a quick "introduction, how do you do and this is who I am." But an autobiographical "confession" of sorts is what it has actually turned into. I guess I just have to get my "story" off my chest. Sorry for the long-winded post; I hope my blabbing on and on about myself doesn't bore you.)

I'm 39 years old, married and the father of three beautiful little girls. I manage the IT department for a local government in the area.

I was raised in a Christian home of the fundamentalist Baptist variety. I went to K-12 at a private Christian school, and graduated from Bob Jones University in 1995. In my family it was always considered kind of a "given" that all children would make some sort of profession of faith (my Dad's side of the family was Baptist for several generations back, although my Mom's side was more in the Methodist tradition). When I was a very young child, we attended a very large, then-prominent Baptist church here in the Detroit area, and that is where I made a profession of faith at a very young age and was baptized.

On the surface that all sounds very rosy, but the reality was somewhat different than what met the eye (as I fear is the case with many people who came from a background similar to mine). Reflecting on it now, I'm not certain that my profession of faith at such a young age was genuine. In fact, I'm not sure I could even tell you exactly how old I was (most of my childhood, for some reason is a jumbled, hazy fog that I can barely remember for the most part anyway). For much of my life between my pre-teen years until my mid-30's I pretty much lived for myself and didn't really care much at all about God or his purposes, and its not entirely clear to me that I had actually repented of my sins. I never openly lived any sort of blatantly debauched lifestyle, never got involved with drugs (primarily because I valued my brain cells, not so much because of any moral restraint), or particularly evil people, etc., and most of the unchurched people around me at work, etc., likely regarded me as "religious." Of course I did have private sins which I lived in continually, but it was easy enough for me to put on the appearance of religiosity. Although I had picked up a lot of Christian terminology and theology from church and could talk a good talk, I wasn't in any way truly committed to it, as evidenced by the fact that I hadn't even completely read through the Bible by the time I was in my 30's, and didn't have a whole lot of interest in doing so. Praying and reading my Bible was something I always knew I was "sposta" do, but I didn't have any heart for it and the few times I attempted it, it seemed such a boring, tedious chore.

For most of my life I've been afflicted with what might be called the "philospher's curse." That is a deep fascination with and fretting over what is the meaning of life, where did everything come from, what does it all mean, how does the universe work, what is human consciousness, etc. I don't know why I never synthesized that with my Christian upbringing. For some reason that tendency in my nature seemed somehow compartmentalized from the "religious" aspect of my environment, and now in hind-sight, I wonder if I really even believed the Christian doctrine to which I gave lip service. Sometimes I interwove part of the Christianity of my upbringing into my philosophical thinking, and other times I philosophized without much regard at all to Christian doctrine. Looking back on it now, it seems so strange that I didn't "get it." So my intellectual life from that period is kind of a confused hodge podge of sometimes thinking somewhat more in a secularly philosophical way and sometimes intellectually working through theological ideas of Christianity. And sometimes ignoring the topics altogether and just living for myself and the immediate practical affairs of everyday life.

By the time I had reached my early and mid 30's, I was married to a wonderful Christian woman, had a couple of kids, had a good job, was a homeowner, a regular church-goer and was living a pretty much "conservative" lifestyle. I really thought of myself as a Christian believer, but I struggled with private sins, and I just didn't have much desire for the things of God (though sometimes I talked as if I did). At the same time I had become very disillusioned with my career and had always thought there was something lacking. It just seemed that there should be more depth to my life than just going to work and coming home, watching tv, going to bed and repeating the same thing day after day, punctuated by church every weekend.

I've always had a love for the outdoors, hiking in the woods, being outside, etc., and had always longed to escape from suburbia and live in the country as my grandparents and those before them had (my mother is from rural south central Kentucky--which is where her parents lived when I was growing up--and she had instilled in me from an early age that that region is nothing less than the "promised land"; that's something you can't really understand unless you or some significant member of your family is from there). So I thought maybe I would find fulfillment in seeking to move to the country; maybe even to drop out of modern, technological suburban lifestyle, quit my high-tech job and adopt a back-to-the land sort of approach. Being a city slicker suburbanite, I realized I was not really equipped with the correct skills to survive in the country, so I sought to correct that by trying to do as much research and skill building as I could (started gardening in my back yard, made my wife learn how to do canning, read multiple books on "country skills," hung out at homesteading-related Internet forums such as "Mother Earth News," etc.). I really thought I was going to pull off these plans and I was starting to get excited about the prospect. Somewhere about the same time I thought it might be a good idea to get more serious about all that "Christian" stuff I was supposed to be involved with. Maybe if I prayed and got "closer to God," it would help me in my endeavors. (Never mind that these were the wrong motives).

So one day on my lunch break at work I decided to take a Bible out to my car and read it as I ate my lunch. I was determined to really read the Bible because I knew it was one of those things I really should be doing but hadn't.

Then...... That's when it happened.

I thought I would start out in the Gospels and read them in a parallel sort of way; kind of a harmony-of-the-gospels approach, reading passages in roughly chronological order, reading the "parallel" passages in juxtaposition in order to get the full picture. I was going for full comprehension of the "big picture" and all the little details.

But right away I ran into a problem. The nativity stories in Luke and Matthew didn't quite seem to line up. There appeared to be... well... I was afraid to say it, but.... It looked like there were discrepancies. I remembered having heard that there were critics who suggested that the Bible had "contradictions," and discrepancies, but I had been pretty much sheltered from such things in my upbringing. Later that day I decided to do some research thinking that surely someone out there had a good explanation. So I Googled it. Bad move. On the first page of hits, I was linked to an atheist web site which had a multitude of articles on how there were (supposedly) contradictions in the Bible, how Christian doctrine was supposedly incoherent, etc., etc. And the seeds of doubt were planted and grew rapidly. Pretty soon I was in a full scale crisis of faith with new doubts coming on me fast and furious for days, then weeks, then months. If you want a good description of what the experience was like, read the two books by Gary Habermas on doubt (he has them available in ebook format for free on his web site). Since this undermining of my faith pulled the rug out from under any assurance I had of eternal life, and indeed any sort of meaning or purpose for life for for the world in general, the crisis turned into a full-blown depression (no, I was not officially diagnosed by any sort of professional, but I had all the "classic" signs in a big way). Before long I hit rock bottom. I lost all interest in anything else, including all the "homesteading" stuff, my job, my family, etc. and became obsessed with these matters. The doubts came in all shapes and sizes. Philosophical and theological critiques of Christian doctrine. Textual "problems" with the Bible. A loss of faith in the "Young Earth" form of creationism I had always accepted without question. Bad behavior on the part of supposedly Christian people (suggesting that they were no different from others). etc., etc., On and on it went.

I was trying to counter the doubts by immersing myself into all sorts of apologetics material. Much of it was very, very helpful, but none of it seemed conclusive enough. In hind-sight I wonder if it was not some sort of demonic attack, as it all seemed so sudden and furious. I refused to give up, though; I read of others who had "lost their faith" and just gave up and became somewhat contented atheists, but I really really didn't want that to happen to me. I determined to leave no stone unturned in my search to find the truth. I wanted Christianity to be real in a very, very bad way (and ironically, found myself desiring God like I had never done before in my previous "Christian" life). However, the very desire to find truth in Christianity seemed itself to be a hindrance because I could never be sure whether or not I was just deluding myself when I accepted any argument in favor of Christian truth.

I'm not sure where I encountered this idea--I think in one of the Habermas books--but it was suggested that perhaps one reason a person is unable to resolve doubts is that they have unconfessed sin. At some point this idea began to have its effect on me and I came under great conviction over some sins that I'd struggled with most of my life. I got on my knees and wept in a genuine way and cried out to God to forgive me. When I got on my knees, I was still confused--my mind wondering if God existed, but my heart knowing he was there and crying out to him. In a flash I saw for the first time the gravity and horror of my sins. I now believe that this was the moment of my true conversion. However, all my doubts were not immediately resolved, but the trend after that seemed to be a decline in this sort of destructive thinking, and a gradual gaining of confidence in the Christian truth claims. Another apologist I listened to (Wim Rietkirk) made an interesting observation, which was that many people insist on being convinced of the truth of the Bible before they will even attempt to read it. His point was that if they would just read it (with an open mind, that is), they wouldn't need so much convincing. It took some time, but eventually that sank in and my desire for the Bible grew and I began to study it with interest.

One of the "doubts" I had been assailed with had to do with Jesus apparently making a false prophecy about his second coming in the Olivet Discourse. Some apologetics material I ran into had put me onto the idea that preterist eschatology actually made this objection completely disappear. Up to this point, dispensationalist eschatology was the only thing I had ever heard, so this new way of looking at it intrigued me. While I was "on the mend" after the above and got more curious about this "preterism" thing and sought out material that would help explain it more. That is when I encountered a web site called "thepreteristsite.com", which contained some links to Steve Gregg's material. I listened to his eschatology series and was greatly enriched by it. Then I noticed his series on the the Authority of Scripture. I listened to that, and I have to say that this did probably as much for me as any of the previous apologetics material. I finally came to the realization that much of the struggles I had in the intellectual/epistemological side of this had to do with who or what I chose to accept as an authority. I think this was another turning point for me. This deepened my appreciation for scripture, and now I am beginning to see how well it all fits together and makes such a compelling thing to base one's beliefs on. I've been hooked on Steve's lectures ever since.

There were many other things that happened during the "crisis" that had significant positive influences as well. Not the least of which was the birth of my youngest daughter (the third of three so far). We named her Natalie Grace. "Natalie" because she was born around Christmas time, and the name means "Nativity." "Grace" because grace is exactly the thing that I needed at the time to turn my heart toward God and get me out of the little hell I was going through. Interestingly, when she was born, there was a nurse in the delivery room who was evidently a Christian. She didn't know me from Adam, and didn't know anything about what I'd been going through. However, while the nurse and I were gazing at the new baby fresh from the womb, lying there in the bassinet, she said--unprompted--"I can't understand how anyone could go through this [the process of giving birth] and not believe in God!" What a "coincidence" for her to say that to me at just that time! She is now about a year and a half old, and as it turns out Natalie seems more attached to me than the other two girls. Her attachment to me seems almost abnormal. Every time I walk through the room she walks up to me and clutches my legs, insisting I pick her up and hold her. When I put her down she has a fit and cries. When I come home from work she is without exception right there at the door for me when I come in and won't even let me get my coat off. When I go to work in the morning, she cries, and apparently thinks about me all day (according to my wife). It's almost a little strange. Neither of the other two girls were like this. I can't help but think that God designed her that way on purpose and sent her to us at just the right time. I can't look at her without thinking of the significance of her middle name.

It seems obvious to me now that the whole thing was probably the only way God could have shaken me from my lethargy and brought be to true repentance. I think I had to go through that fire in order for God to melt this frozen heart of mine.

Well, that was about ten times more material than I had intended to write. I really didn't want to write a book about myself, but, well I guess that's what happened. It all just sort of rolled off my fingertips as I wrote.

[Guest]

Welcome Jared! That was an awesome story and I'm glad you took the time to type it all out.

I've been hooked on Steve's lectures ever since.

I know how that goes...

Now all you have to do is add your picture as your avatar and provide shots of your family, too.

Again, welcome!

[Guest]

Welcome Jared. Great story! Thanks for sharing

[Guest]

Welcome Jared! That was an awesome story and I'm glad you took the time to type it all out.

Quote:
I've been hooked on Steve's lectures ever since.
I know how that goes...

Now all you have to do is add your picture as your avatar and provide shots of your family, too. Very Happy

Again, welcome!

Hi Jared - and I agree with Michelle!

[Guest]

Thanks Jared, except for a few minor variations (up to the major crisis in faith part, which I have fortunately not had) your story is very very similar to mine.

Welcome!

TK

[Guest]

Hey Jared! What an encouraging story! Thanks for sharing that with us.

[Guest]

I've always had a love for the outdoors, hiking in the woods, being outside, etc., and had always longed to escape from suburbia and live in the country

I like outdoors too but mostly fishing and boating. I never like fishing before
but one summer 2 years ago me and my family were looking for something to do when we coincidentally passed by a private fishing pond. We decided to try it thinking that the kids will like it. Fortunately the kids enjoyed it and of course myself.

We caught 5 rainbow trouts. Wow!!!!!!!!!!!

And spent more than $100 because we have to pay for the fish we caught

Ouch