Question on Personal Finances

Post by **_JC** » Mon Jun 16, 2008 11:11 am

I wasn't sure where to post this but the wife and I are having trouble seeing eye to eye on personal finance and spending. For some reason, I have a hard time spending money on anything but necessities. My conscience gets very irritated when we buy anything for the house, like new bedding or window treatments. Although my wife is a hard worker and gives away approximately half her earnings to the poor, she goes shopping (for clothes or house decor) quite frequently.

Is this a problem with me having an overly sensitive conscience? Does anyone else feel guilty for buying things merely for pleasure or asthetic reasons? My wife often says, "I buy shoes and you buy books... same thing." I don't think it's the same thing but maybe she has a point since I get pleasure out of reading and she gets pleasure from buying shoes.

I remember Greg Boyd talking about a similar problem. He said when he returned from his first trip to Haiti, he couldn't even buy a cup of coffee without feeling guilty and this caused constant friction in his marriage. I really know what he means now. I feel guilty buying anything at all after vising slums in the Philippines. It's a harsh burdon when your conscience is always irritated. What's the deal?

Post by **_Michelle** » Mon Jun 16, 2008 6:55 pm

It's a harsh burden when your conscience is always irritated. What's the deal?

Not sure, but I'm pretty sure you should listen until you figure it out.

she goes shopping (for clothes or house decor) quite frequently.

Just out of curiosity, and because I'm a woman and there aren't that many of us here, what does "frequently" mean?

Does anyone else feel guilty for buying things merely for pleasure or asthetic reasons?

Yes. I do.

My wife often says, "I buy shoes and you buy books... same thing." I don't think it's the same thing but maybe she has a point since I get pleasure out of reading and she gets pleasure from buying shoes.

Since I'm pretty sure I'm the only one who is going to disagree with you ... your wife is right.

Post by **_Paidion** » Mon Jun 16, 2008 7:38 pm

I don't think God is against pleasure, since "In His right hand are pleasures forevermore."

I am amazed that your wife gives about half her income to the poor! You must have an incredible wife!

I say, look fondly upon her purchase of shoes or special items for the house, or whatever gives her pleasure. Don't ever suggest to her that she's wasting her money. If you feel that way, keep it to yourself .... until you know better.

Post by **_Michelle** » Mon Jun 16, 2008 8:14 pm

I wrote:Since I'm pretty sure I'm the only one who is going to disagree with you ... your wife is right.

hunh, it seems that I was wrong...

Post by **_JC** » Tue Jun 17, 2008 6:21 am

Thanks for the respones, Michelle and Don - I was hoping that some of our more mature and experienced Christians would help me tackle this one so know that it's appreciated. I think it's clear at this point that the issue is with me and not her. But with that issue settled, how does one break out of this quasi ascetic mentality that perhaps many immature Christians like myself seem to be carrying about?

We have no children (unfortunately) so we give a good portion of our money to the poor, yet I still feel guilty nearly all the time. My mind harkens back to that scene at the end of "Schindler's List" where Ocsar stands on the railroad tracks, looks at his gold ring, and cries out, "I could've done more."

This really is a burdon and I sense it is not healthy. John the Baptist was an ascetic but Jesus himself was not. Do you feel this falls into the general category of condemnation? Any particular scriptures upon which one might meditate?

Post by **_Murf** » Tue Jun 17, 2008 9:59 am

Not sure I qualify as mature or experienced but I tend to think you are both right and wrong. I don't find anywhere in the Bible that states buying something for pleasure only is a sin. But I also think it is a good idea to follow your conscience. But you should always question your conscience with the bible especially if it is causing friction in your marriage.

If you don't want to by extras don't. If your wife gives half her money to the poor and wants to buy shoes give her a hug every day and thank God you have such a gracious wife.

Post by **_Rae** » Tue Jun 17, 2008 1:14 pm

As a wife, I would feel very unappreciated if I was working along with my husband and was not allowed to buy, or made to feel guilty about buying, things that I felt would benefit our home.

I believe she would have Scripture in her favor if she were to choose to not work and stay at home (even without children), so if it were me, I would want my husband to be thankful that I am able to contribute to his burden for providing for the family and others.

Also, one of the worst things in a marriage (in my opinion) is for the wife to feel like she is relating to her husband as her father. For example, if she feels that she has to "ask permission" before buying a pair of shoes or having lunch with friends.

I as well agree with Don and Michelle that buying books is really no different than buying shoes or drapes.

Wives absolutely love it when their husbands support them in their God-given desire to make their home an attractive and welcoming place.

Maybe it would be helpful to make a detailed budget for each month. That way you can agree on how much you will spend on new clothes or on home beautification (or books) before anything is spent.

I'm certainly not seasoned, but we have definitely dealt with this very issue.

Post by **_JC** » Tue Jun 17, 2008 2:09 pm

Wow, this forum can be enlightening at times. You all have proven what my wife (of 6 years) is always telling me... "You don't understand women." It appears not! I think the deeper thological question here is why God made them so complex compared to us men.

I gave my wife the opportunity to stay home and not work but she quickly tired of that and complained of boredom. We have a small house and no kids so it gets pretty dull. I also think the "emptiness" only reminded her of our difficulty in having children. So I don't slight my wife for working but find it hard to balance the protection I'm to offer her and the nuturing partner of which I am also called. I wonder if any husband has actually found that balance.

Post by **_JC** » Tue Jun 17, 2008 2:14 pm

Sorry, Michelle... I forgot your question:

Just out of curiosity, and because I'm a woman and there aren't that many of us here, what does "frequently" mean?

A couple times a week is frequent to me, though that's not necessarily the thing we argue about. If my wife has 10 purses and buys another one I feel like I have to comment.

I don't want her to get all her joy from material things because that's one area where you never get your fix. This is just a man's perspective.

Post by **_Rae** » Tue Jun 17, 2008 2:37 pm

If I had a friend who, when I bought something I didn't need said, "Why did you get another one of those? You didn't really need it. That money could've been better spent elsewhere" I wouldn't really want to be around that friend much. And I certainly wouldn't want to tell them (or let them see) the things that I bought.

But if I had a friend who consistently lived below their means, sacrificially gave to the poor, was careful not to buy things that they didn't need... their life would be more of an influence on my life and my way of thinking than the friend who I don't want to be around who is constantly telling me that I made the wrong choice.

I think a husband (or wife) who is living according to their conscience before God (on those things that are conscience issues) and allows their spouse to live according to their conscience before God will be more influential (and influential where it counts -- the heart) in their spouse's life than a husband or wife that is telling their spouse, once again, that they made the wrong decision in what they bought.