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Burbary · Post by **Burbary** » Sat Mar 10, 2012 5:46 pm

My son "Benzoic" was a member of The Family Bible Fellowship board in 2008. He completed suicide on April 1st, 2011. Since then I have been working backwards trying to figure out what went wrong in his brain. His real name was Andrew. He was quiet, very thoughtful and cautious. From a very young age he asked me questions about God. When he was a little guy, we were riding our bikes when he asked me the big question "If God made everything, who made God." I almost fell off my bike. His entire life he sought Him out.

He accepted Christ as a small child, but in his late teens he wanted to make sure of his commitment. He joined a Bible believing church apart from us, recommitted and was baptized. Funny thing was, he wouldn't allow us to attend his baptism. He didn't have a good reason for it. We were puzzled and hurt, but stayed away. Later, we attended the church, met the pastor and everything seemed fine. He seemed to be VERY happy. He set out learning Greek in order to better understand the Bible, meanwhile studying for the entrance exam for pharmacy school. Besides being a good son, he was very smart. He was a 4.0. He never smoked or drank alcohol as he saw the carnage it causes in my family.

He failed his first try for pharmacy school. Mind you, sometimes students have to take it 5 times before they pass. He said he couldn't study any harder or differently than he had. He decided to go into accounting as that is what his father had been. He went to school for it, got great marks and graduated with a bachelor degree. Only thing, he hated it. He was looking terrible physically, I MADE him go to the doctor and he was diagnosed with Crohn's disease, an autoimmune disease. He was severely anemic. For two years he had been bleeding profusely and didn't bother to tell anyone. Once he got on treatment, he said he was feeling 100% better. He then found a pharmacy TECH program and was accepted into that. He seemed very interested and very happy. He was at the top of his class.

However, about 3 weeks before he died he asked me why God didn't answer prayer. My answer was a simple one. I told him that often OUR idea of what is right for us is not God's. He's God, we are His creation and HE knows better than us. I told him that for the most part I had decided to just trust God and accept His will. Andy nodded and we talked about all sorts of stuff like we always did. One night I came home to find a beautiful note from him thanking me for everything and telling me that I couldn't have done anything different, but he was wired wrong and decided to leave this world. The police eventually found his body in a rental car with a shot gun. I don't think he ever handled a gun before.

Eventually, his older brother got into his computer and we found another Andy. Probably sometime shortly after failing the pharmacy test, he started having horrible anxiety symptoms. He spoke about being sensitive to everything and fearful of people. He was unable to go to church or even open his Bible. Every time he did he was overwhelmed with more fear and anxiety. He had stopped going to church and when I asked him why he was evasive. Anxiety and panic attacks run in my family and I often asked him about them. He denied having any problems to me. According to the computer he thought was getting signs from God who was showing him a new way and he was confused. He was praying for healing. The reason I am writing this is to ask is if he reached out to any of you during that time? I took everything to a doctor I work with and she diagnosed him with schizophrenia after the fact.

Andy's last post I could find:
Benzoic

Joined: 27 Jul 2006
Posts: 4

Posted: Fri Sep 05, 2008 6:11 am Post subject: Trusting Conscience over Rational

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What do you guys think? Should one only trust their conscience in making decisions or should decisions be made with both conscience and rational? As I've matured as a Christian, I find my conscience becoming more and more sensitive to the littlest, seemingly stupid things. I don't know if I'm becoming legalistic or if I should really be obeying my conscience in everything I do.
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Thank you, Andy's Mom

thrombomodulin · Post by **thrombomodulin** » Sun Mar 11, 2012 9:22 pm

Burbary · Post by **Burbary** » Mon Mar 12, 2012 7:44 pm

thrombomodulin,

Thank you for your kind reply. Thank you for highlighting all of my son's posts, I really appreciate your effort.

Burbary

Michelle · Post by **Michelle** » Tue Mar 13, 2012 9:06 am

Burbary,

I am so sorry for your loss. I can not imagine what you are going through, but my heart, thoughts, and prayers are with you.

I remember Benzoic. He was very articulate and displayed quite a lot of insight and intelligence for a young man. I can't say that Andy ever reached out to me here, but I do remember some exchanges we had. I remember when announced that he was studying Greek; I mistook his enthusiasm for arrogance, but when I called him on it, he humbly and patiently explained how his studies were opening up the scriptures for him. I very much appreciated his attitude.

Michelle

Burbary · Post by **Burbary** » Tue Mar 13, 2012 1:31 pm

Michelle,

Thank you for your kind words. He WAS very smart and always a good son. It is mind numbing to me that he couldn't reach out to us and allow us to save his life. We had no clue. He hid everything. To hear his voice on his computer talking about the signs God was sending him is absolutely bewildering.

Sincerely,

Burbary

Jason · Post by **Jason** » Tue Mar 13, 2012 5:33 pm

I'm sorry for your loss and felt a certain heaviness when reading your story. I, too, remember Benzoic from the old forum. He was a fiery debater and quite intelligent. I don't remember having any direct conversations with him myself, but I did see him asking for career advice in one of the threads posted by thrombomodulin. You may never find the answers you're looking for on this side of eternity but if this had happened to my son, I'd want to know what went wrong as well. The brain is a mysterious (and frustrating) organ and I've seen it betray even the most committed believer at times. I heard that even Mother Teresa struggled with dark moments of depression. If it can happen to someone like her, how much more for us "regular folks" just trying to do our best? It sounds like you were a good mother to him and nothing you did could've changed the direction he took, as evidenced by his letter. I pray for God's grace on you, both mentally and emotionally.

Burbary · Post by **Burbary** » Tue Mar 13, 2012 6:58 pm

Hello Jason,

Funny you should mention Mother Theresa. When my son asked me about God not answering prayer, I mentioned her name and said how I had read that she had long periods where she felt God was indifferent to her. I said the same thing as you.

You and I are dealing with healthy minds though. What he wrote was was delusional. Although, the Bible tells us with God all things are possible. Soooooooo????

Thank you for the nice things you said about him. He mastered the highest mathematics, physics, chemistry. I often remarked how much I wished I had his intelect. He just scoffed. Probably because I didn't know the awful thing that went along with it.

About a year before he died, he told me I should watch the movie "A Beautiful Mind." I told him I thought it would be too depressing. I watched it after his death. I think it was another clue.

Thanks for your kindness and prayers,

Burbary

RICHinCHRIST · Post by **RICHinCHRIST** » Wed Mar 14, 2012 12:05 am

Burbary, I'm very sorry for your son's loss. I trust that God knows all the details, and that His love is much deeper and thorough than our minds can comprehend. I hope and pray His love comforts you in this loss, and we can trust that God's love will not abandon Andy either.

I had a friend who died in his sleep a couple years ago who struggled with depression. He was in his early 50s, but he really wanted to die. Many of his closer friends knew that he had been praying for a long time for God to take him home. I'm sure Christ can sympathize with these types of weaknesses.

Burbary wrote:You and I are dealing with healthy minds though. What he wrote was was delusional. Although, the Bible tells us with God all things are possible. Soooooooo????

There have been seasons of my own life where I have thought very delusional things. My family and friends have seen me in these states of mind, and it has brought a lot of pain and suffering in my life (as well as in theirs). I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder in 2007, and have fought it off and on for the past five years (I would take my medication for a short time and then after I stopped, I'd relapse). However, I have not struggled with depression very much (except the regular bout here and there)... but I have experienced what people call "hyper-mania". For a long time I thought I was demonized, or at least influenced by demons (perhaps attacked)... but I'm no longer convinced of that. I honestly think there is something that has gone haywire with my brain chemistry. I used to take a lot of hallucinogenic drugs before coming to Christ, and I think those substances could have a lot to do with my mental instability. But even still, I think there is strong evidence that an inconsistent release (or lack thereof) of certain chemicals in the brain (serotonin, dopamine, etc.) can have a strong affect on our thinking. Since staying on my medication (for the past 1.5 years), I haven't had any problems with my thought processes. I think I will probably stay on the medicine now.

But I can relate with your son's experience.... there were times when I thought that God was giving me signs and speaking specific things to me. I also wouldn't share them with anyone, and I kept them logged in my mind or would write them down in secret. As I have looked back upon what I wrote (in a clear state of mind), I remember exactly what I was thinking and why I was thinking it. I honestly cannot grasp why I thought certain things or acted certain ways. I cannot explain it other than that my brain chemistry was not working properly. The weird thing is that I was completely convinced that my thought processes at that time were absolutely clear. Man, was I wrong. It was only clear to me, at that time, and to no one else. I would also be very sensitive to everything (light, sounds around me, things people would say, etc.) and become very anxious. I am a very active person (in my right mind)... I'm very productive and I multi-task and organize really well. But when my mind is in left field, I find it difficult to express myself in words... and mid-sentence I can't do anything simple (like open the refrigerator door, or play my guitar, etc.). It seems my brain just freezes, and I can't think or do more than one thing at a time. Quite bizarre, really... especially when my thoughts are usually ordered, and evenly managed. I'm usually able to be very creative and think freely. But in certain seasons, all of those features of my psyche seemed to disappear... and I became irrational and fearful, and usually very legalistic.

I believe there are some illnesses which are illnesses of the brain, just like any other organ's malfunction. Think about Alzheimer's... people don't have much of a choice when their brain stops functioning at 100%. I notice that many people who struggle with mental illness are often highly analytical, creative, and/or fast learners. There are so many people who have felt the exact same way as me and have had similar thoughts and experiences. All of these people are from a variety of different backgrounds and different beliefs. Some might say that the devil just works the same with everyone, but I think that there may be a clue here that there is something very specific happening in our brain chemistry which can be resolved. Perhaps our brain's can only take so much! It is a very difficult handicap though, because it is the most deceptive... especially when it seems you can't control why you think a certain way.

God knows us all (to the most minute detail), and I'm sure Andy is at peace in His presence. Sin, disease, death, and the devil could never beat a sovereign God who made all things and sustains them by His love.

Burbary · Post by **Burbary** » Thu Mar 15, 2012 6:58 pm

Dear "Rich",

Thank you so much for your very kind and personal account of what you have suffered through. I waited a day to reply because I really wanted to think about it all.

Andy's homecoming was April 1st of last year. Yes, of all days he chose April Fool's Day. I have spent a year trying to get a grip on how my son who loved the Lord was an excellent student, all round good guy, never gave me a moment's trouble did what he did to himself. He was afraid of getting his blood drawn. I lay awake at night wondering how he could do what he did.

Listening to him talk about his delusional beliefs on the computer is so hard to believe. He never said those kind of things to me, yet there he was truly believing all the signs he was experiencing. He did remark to me in an off hand way that lights did bother him, as did sounds. I thought it was odd he sat in his room with earplugs, but he said it was so he could study. Again in a casual way he said he hated how he would lose what track of what he was saying in mid thought. I brushed if off and jokingly said "Wait until you are my age."

Thank you for telling me how it was for you. He was always such a common sense type guy that it is so hard for me to believe that anything could have influenced him in such a way. I have read and reread what you wrote and it has really helped me to understand the son I hear on the computer versus the son he allowed me to see in everyday life. I just don't understand how he kept the two apart. I keep going over everything trying to figure out how he pulled it off and why I didn't know. I was his Mother, why didn't he come to me?

In his computer he talks about "his disability" and how he knew God would take care of him. He talked about how screwed up psychologically he was and how he was unable to communicate with people. When he went around people he was unable to function. In his letter he merely said he was "wired wrong."

Yes, I believe it is an illness just like heart disease or diabetes....or cancer. Something goes wrong with the chemical system in the body. It is not something that can be helped. However, when it is the organ that enables you to make rational decisions that is damaged, it makes things even more difficult for recovery.

Thank you for opening up to me. You gave me a lot of really helpful information and insite. It really helped me and I know I will go back to read it from time to time for encouragement.

Burbary

Ian · Post by **Ian** » Sat Mar 24, 2012 4:59 am

I feel for you Burbary. I had a friend who was a tenant in my house who went the same way, and ended his life in like manner.

It is a difficult subject, you`re right, and maybe that is because we have been told: "No temptation has seized you except what is common to man. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can stand up under it." (1 Cor 10:13).

Mentally ill Christians who kill themselves appear to lend the lie to this promise.The softer-hearted amongst us, including me, will recoil at the suggestion that Andrew "failed" somehow or another. But it seems to me that a "hard-liner" is forced to make this conclusion. I am not a "hard-liner" but there are some here who may be, and therefore have not posted under this thread.

In the case of my friend, his non-Christian family and friends blamed his religion, whereas the church quietly implicated his pushy father who was ambitious for him to take over the family business, something he had absolutely no interest in, and probably no aptitude for doing. My friend came from a wealthy family living on probably the highest class private estate in Birmingham, UK. The competing pressures on him were enormous.
A third opinion was proffered by someone else - that there is a spiritual war and as in any war there will be losers, temporarily at least. I guess a bit like a roaring lion picking off the weak members on the edge of the pack.
Or it may just have been like any other physical illness, pure and simple, as has been suggested.
Either way, what some might privately think as "failure" to appropriate the promise of 1 Cor 10:13 surely has to be overlooked on compassionate grounds, for both my friend and for Andrew.

Whatever the reasons, and I am sure they were complex, Andrew and my friend are in the best and most compassionate of hands now.

The Narrow Path Ministries

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