How to apply of speaking the truth in love?

[Guest]

I would like to ask for help regarding when and how to speak the truth in love to someone, when you find that you disagree about some important matter. I find this especially difficult in the case when I have only known the other person for a very short time. There are two specific cases we have encountered recently.

Case #1 - This past week my wife and I went to a friends birthday party, which was generously hosted by his parents at a very expensive restaurant. We met our friends girlfriend at the restaurant for the very first time. While speaking with my wife she stated that her mother was the pastor of a United Methodist Church. My wife and I, however, understand the scripture to teach that women ought not to be in this role. I would like to know what you think a right response should be when one hears such a thing?

I was thinking of these options:

Option A - Say something like "Oh really? You know, the bible teaches only men should be elders". I'm not entirely satisfied with this answer because I feel as if I am being contentious, and looking for an argument.

Option B - Say something like "Well that's nice", and go on to the next topic. However, I would not want to give the false impression that I believe the scripture allows for such.

Case #2 -

My wife and I see relatives on my side between two and four times a year for events such as thanksgiving, christmas, weddings, etc,. My grandparents were faithful Christians. With very few exceptions, every member of our extended family has regularly attended church. One of my younger cousins has moved to another state. We later learned, through her mother, that she moved in with a fiance. Further, this past week we learned that she is now pregnant. Until we heard such news I had thought that she was a Christian. I have a lot of cousins, and I have never spoken much at all with her directly, however, I expect to see her again sooner or later at some family function (possibly her wedding ??). Again, I have a choice regarding speaking to her about this matter, which would be taken badly, or ignoring the situation. Like the other case, I would appreciate any advice about what to say, if anything, in this situation.

Thanks
Peter

[Guest]

My first thought is to ask questions instead of making accusations. You could ask if what you believe a specific passage of scripture says is a misunderstanding on your part.

If someone is accused they usually go into a defensive mode and discussion of the matter is not very easy.

...With very few exceptions, every member of our extended family has regularly attended church...

Does that make anyone righteous?

...One of my younger cousins has moved to another state. We later learned, through her mother, that she moved in with a fiance. Further, this past week we learned that she is now pregnant. Until we heard such news I had thought that she was a Christian. I have a lot of cousins, and I have never spoken much at all with her directly...

Perhaps God knows her heart and your best help for her would begin with prayer on her behalf as someone who wants to bless and not curse. I do not know about your extended family of church goers, but she will probably get plenty of condemnation. Some will forgive and bless her and some will not forgive and curse her.

Blessings,
Lazarus43

[Guest]

I agree asking questions is a good approach, however, I've not yet thought of a good way to pose the question so that it would not be taken as an accusation.

Does that make anyone righteous?

Certainly not. However, I hope it provides helpful information assessing the situation. Namely, one would presumably say something different to a person who believes they are Christian and is familiar with the bible, as opposed to someone who may have little or no church exposure.

Thanks for responding,
Peter

[Guest]

Hi Peter, Your questions are very good ones! Speaking the truth in love is a gola of mine too, though I must admit I seem very far from achieivng!

As you probably know, everyone thinks they are right.

This is helpful in trying to understand a situation. A way to approach a disagreement is to consider how you would want the other to approach you were the show on the other foot. Not too many of us like to be called names, or otherwise insinuated that we are stupid or evil or something. Maybe we have been mistaught. Maybe we are evil and are in need of repentance. Jesus taught us to be salt and light. Now, salt can sting when placed on a wound, or it can serve to preserve things, or can be used to make them more tasteful.

As Lazurus said, questions are less offensive, so you could ask if the United Methodist church teaches from a Biblical perspective. The one questioned may respond with...What do you mean? The assumption is that all churches of "Christian" names teach from the Bible, so you may then say that not all churches are using the Bible as their guide but are using their own consciences to determine what is right and wrong, which comes from the idea of everyone doing what is right in their own eyes, which was and is a very relevant problem that you are trying to find out how to deal with. You may talk about other issues, instead of the women pastor one first.

At some point you're free to express your view, and want to know if you have misinterpreted the relevant passages. they may point to Joel and show that God promised to prophesy through men and maid servants....

One question that I find useful, in these types of things, is: "If you were wrong about something, would you want someone to tell you?" This question may seem to have an obvious answer, but it is really a very good question. If the person says no...they'd rather be wrong...well, maybe you should "waste your breath". If they think about it thoguhtfully, and then answer, well, of course I would like to know the truth, then you may proceed further to discuss the issues. Paul contended daily with the Jews and Others while discussing these things upon which there was disagreement. Many times, the discussions didn't go too well...and he had to leave....or was beaten or otherwise suffered for his "audacity" to discuss things upon which there was disagreement.

Don't be too discouraged if people "hate" you and say all manner of evil against you falsely....because that's just the way it is....and it will be good for you development as a maturing Christian too!

May God bless your efforts to spread the truth of His teachings!

Peace, dmatic

[Guest]

Dmatic, I don't have anything further to add at the moment, but I just wanted to write and let you know that I read your reply and found some help in it. Thanks for replying.

Pete